All the world's a stage

You think you very big arh?

2010-05-30T11:59:00.000+08:00

Years passed in an instant,
the young foolishness lost.
Somehow,
Cynical caution supersedes impetuous naivety.

Aged think with their heads,
hearts finally at rest.
The juveniles fight the currents,
the matured rest on it,
go with it,
hoping to land ashore
and there,
paradise awaits!

Paradise it may seem,
weathered scorn the notion.
The insides rust away,
leaving a hollow center.
Hardship made them brittle,
cold and unyielding as steel.

The pristine yearn the experience,
just as the ragged yearn the innocence.
Just as the spring's love for the summer,
the summer's love for the spring.

the last time...

2009-12-12T01:10:00.004+08:00

I can't really remember the reason why I stopped blogging so much. Perhaps I've decided that I should stop being so self-obsessed with my own life and take a look around at others. The today happened. Reading my old posts (yes, something I do very often), I decide that now is the time for one.

Lately so much has changed. The last time I updated, some people were still very close to me, some I barely even know them, others complete strangers. Then time passed and I have returned from Cambodia, SHE is no longer my friend and somehow, I got to make so many new friends my mind can barely remember all their names at once. Not once have I ever regretted any of the decisions that I have made. Cambodia was the right decision, YOG was and so is my passion for the media. I finally feel that I belong.

You know how you never realise that you've changed till you've met up with your old friends and you see ho different you really are from the past? Well, that's the feeling I always get when I see people I have not met in a very long time. I think i have changed for the better. Even if i lost some people along the way, I think overall I'd give my life a 7 or an 8. School work is killing me and I have no relationship to speak of, but at least I have a bunch of cool peeps to hang out with. I don't really complain. Until it's late at night.

When these peeps start talking to me though, all these thoughts are gone. They don't really know how much light they shine into my dark and twisted soul. But their ever-annoying presence gives me that little hope that is dying out in me. I truly love these people.

Raquel

JaeBum 2PM!!!

2009-09-09T00:10:00.003+08:00

This is crazy. This should not be happening, ever! JaeBum cannot leave 2PM! It is not the same without him! Every pack needs a leader, without him, 2PM loses its character! I don't really know if I should cry or scream at this piece of news. It's crazy to think that he is now on the plane, bound for the US, heading home to Seattle forever. I need to sit down quietly and process things through.

I need my fortress of solitude. Now.

Raquel

Again and again

2009-08-24T16:10:00.003+08:00

I hate to write this on my blog but I seriously think we need to re-evaluate our friendship. I don't mean like break it off or what. Just, re-evaluate. Like maybe take time to try and figure out what we really mean to each other. Constant fighting every six months is seriously not funny. I am starting to think we have issues. We don't even see each other that often. Yet, we still fight.

Honestly, I'm sick of having the need to apologise for everything. Sometimes, I really wonder why I even bother apologising when everything I do don't seem to make you happy. I wonder why I even ask for forgiveness. It's tiring having to watch my every step, making sure I don't do stuff to anger you.

Maybe you feel the same way too? After all, I must have made you feel suffocated with my constant mothering. I think we should really try and make this friendship less... intense, I think that is the word. I think even some of our mutual friends feel intimidated by our relationship.

I don't mean to say, "let's NOT be friends", I'm just implying "maybe our friendship should be less commanding". You have to admit, up till now, we have never tried to modify our current situation... I think it's just avoidance. From the fact that our friendship has issues. Like, what should we do when we fight, how we can resolve it and what should matter to us. We need to sort it through.

Raquel

Sodden

2009-08-11T20:51:00.003+08:00

Honestly, sometimes I think I'm just really daft. I don't know who or what to trust anymore. All the talk going on around me, he is good, he is traitorous, he likes you, he is using you. Makes me wish all these would just disappear, the rain and the forest ground replacing everything.

I wanna make things right again. I wish I never met him in the first place. Saves me the trouble of figuring out what the hell he is actually thinking. Come to think of it, Aaron was the same. They are both the same. It's scary. Damn, I keep falling for the same bastards.

Maybe I should really make a trip to Sentosa on my own. Or maybe climb Bukit Timah on a rainy day. All the bitching about him and his actions is starting to sound like nails scratching on a chalkboard. Bloody annoying.

Maybe I am just getting tired of all this, the constant thought of him is making my brain not function like a normal human being. I am not very sane to begin with in the first place.

Seriously wish I was back in ITE now.

Raquel

I love PEACE

2009-07-28T19:08:00.003+08:00

Most will agree when I say that kids these days are little spawns of Satan. They are exceptionally noisy and talkative compared to the previous generation. Despite of the nuisance they can be, I still feel very strongly towards parents who keep their kids out of the home, treating it as a form of punishment.

My mother strongly believes that a child should never have to worry about the roof over his/her head. I feel that threatening kids with homelessness is emotional abuse. Even if the threat is not met out, it is still very emotionally scarring to the child. Also, it lessens the child's faith in having a family that will accept him/her for who he/she is.

I know this post sounds weird coming from me. Not something you would expect from a person who secretly hates every human being on this planet. That hatred, of course, is unfounded and I do love all my friends and family. Yes, I am capable of Love.

Bottom line is this, I hate it when my neighbour kicks her daughter out of the house everytime she does something wrong. It is a stupid and annoying punishment. The kid cries, the mother slams the door, the kid pounds the door and you hear a wailing/screaming match following the entire process.

Disciplining your kids is never easy and I understand that (I am a problematic kid as well), but that does not give you the right to make a child so unhappy and insecure of herself. Especially when it's at the expense of the rest of the neighbourhood peace and quietness.

People can be so selfish. Still secretly hating the world.

Raquel

One Bloody Month

2009-07-20T21:54:00.003+08:00

It has been a month since I last blogged. Man, time flies! I just celebrated my birthday FIVE TIMES and I am loving each and every one of them!

First Celebration:

Naturally this goes to my secondary school mates! I love them guys to death! I really did wish we were back in school together. I wouldn't mind if we ate canteen food. In fact, I would probably love it. Thank goodness no one invited Cheryl Seh though. HAH!

Second Celebration:

Goes to my Family! They may have embarrassed me with that horrible happy birthday song at Outback Steakhouse, but I have to say, it was really sweet of them! They are my rock. Keeping me grounded with their nagging and constant urging to go into engineering.

Third Celebration:

Ma folks in T201!!! Awesome bunch of people who thinks I'm a Rapper. I can't formulate proper sentences for pete sake! Let alone RAP. Nonetheless, I love them. Ate at Popeyes, then spent the rest of the time stoning at the viewing mall of T1. Playing Tap Tap Revenge2 on Julia's phone.

Fourth Celebration:

Ahh... I really love this one. It started out with T105/110 and ended up with me, Jon, Cat and Amanda. Steamboat was awesome at Tian Tian, though a bit pricey arh... we should try the one in front next time. Ben, apparently Football beats my Bdae. But I forgive you. Cuz of granola balls and your happy birthday msgs! :D

Fifth Celebration:

Don't really know if this is counted, but in my mind it is. Spent it with Julia, Bibek and Intan. Went to a Nepali restaurant to eat. I ate steam dumplings. Don't question. It's AUTHENTIC NEPALI DUMPLINGS YAH! Got a present from them! Being John Malkovich! All time fav! I'm so gonna play it at my wedding. With Jared.

So yes, My birthday celebrations. I feel LOVED. XD

Raquel

PS: Thanks for all the Bdae msgs! XD

My new DOG!!!

2009-06-15T01:49:00.003+08:00

He is adorable!!! I love him so so much! And he's so obedient! HAHAHA! My two older dogs look puny compared to him! AWWW... LOVE HIM THE MOST!

Raquel

The Talk

2009-06-05T23:32:00.005+08:00

I basically found out the reason why I am always around people.

I think too much.

People distract me with their words and thoughts. They make me think less. They make me not think at all. Maybe that's why they say I am social. Maybe that's why I feel more at ease when I'm around people. I feel secure. Confident. It always helps if I'm the center of attention among my friends. I feel like I mean something. Someone.

I am the world's vainest person. And I hate myself for it.

Everyday.

Raquel

PS: I totally know how you feel right now Denise... I truly do... :)

Suddenly, you don't seem so great

2009-05-30T20:22:00.003+08:00

I was looking through her pictures,
and I saw you.
When your face popped up,
I was all startled at first.
But the more I look at you, the more
I realise how dumb it is for me to love you.

Maybe it's time I move on.
Maybe it's time I get a grip.
I feel so foolish,
having the urge to keep turning around at your feet.
Like a puppy wanting attention.
Like a loser.

And suddenly you don't seem so great.
The world doesn't just revolve around you anymore.
It has so much more for me.
The worth of each surpasses you.
And maybe I will cry,
but only for awhile.
And maybe I will miss you,
but I'm sure that will pass.

Your laughter no longer rings,
your smiles cease to beat.
I think I am nearly there,
I just need the step.
the final step,
and you have to initiate it.

I'm still waiting,
but my heart is no longer served on the platter.
I still miss you,
I still cry over you,
But I'm sure one day,
all these will stop.

Raquel

Old women and filipino girls

2009-05-28T18:56:00.003+08:00

Horrors of horrors! Guess what I saw today?! A Filipino girl with an old lady, hugging each other in the most intimate way in public! Who am I to judge? Maybe they love each other lots. Maybe the Filipino love the old lady's money lots. Hah!

People should not stoop so low for their greed. But reality triumphs my mind. The greed is too much for humans. Too much for their integrity. I need a fresh perspective in life. A new meaning to everything. I need a bloody boyfriend.

Dun. Judge.

I need to feel loved. I am not feeling the love around me now. Sam is failing her duty as spinsters club president. We need a new election. I think I will die a virgin at the age of 80 in my one bedroom apartment in Toa Payoh, only to be found after three days when my rotting corpse is smelt by salivating mongrels in search for food. Or my neighbours who I will shortly see them in the other realm. Only maybe I won't, because they will probably be in heaven and I will be banish to help Hades keep track of the dead souls.

Punished to do admin work for eternity simply because I refuse to admit these "realms" exist. Simply because I think we were not created with and intention. We are freaks of nature. An accident. That's what we are. Condesending simple life forms who are too ignorant and arrogant for their own good.

I am seriously in need of love. At this rate, my cynical mind might actually make Van Gothe look sane. For once.

Raquel

%^%^*!

2009-05-27T09:10:00.003+08:00

This course is really killing me now. Secretly starting to think why the bloody hell was I so admant about getting into this. Sleep-deprivation, grumpy classmates and killer homework (I actually have to think through what I wanna put here becuz there is JUST TOO DARN MANY ANNOYING THINGS TO SAYYYYY!!!!), are just the tip of the goddamn iceberg.

My brother will laugh if he actually sees this. Screw him! Screw Me! Screw everything in life right now. If I can kill one person, it would be me. No one else. Let me go through how much life sucks for me.

1) I have no social life.
2) I am running out of clothes to wear.
3) Everybody DON"T seem to be running out of clothes to wear!
4) I am an ant.

Yay. I'm sorry I disobeyed my brother. His advice is right. I should have gone to ITE, STAYED THERE and come out and work as a cleaner. Cleaners no need to listen to lecturers tell you how horrible life is.

Raquel

Single-minded assumptions

2009-05-26T21:01:00.002+08:00

There is a reason to everything in life.
I thought I have found mine,
Turns out it’s nothing but a lie.
Maybe you never meant to deceive,
But in my mind,
Your every action convicts
And maybe perhaps you never meant to cheat,
But your every move tells a different thing.

I am almost falling,
Trying desperately to hold on.
If only you know what you are doing to me,
Maybe you would stop it.
But I don’t dare to tell you,
I fear what we have would be lost.
I know I need to tell you,
But I’m afraid.

I need a reason to stop glancing your way.
I need a reason to stop seeking you out.
I need to affirm my thoughts,
That there's nothing in you worth pining for.

But no matter how hard I try,
Your single smile destroys everything.

Raquel

Tolerance is not tolerated

2009-05-25T12:15:00.002+08:00

DID! I! TELL! YOU! THAT RESISTING THE URGE TO PEE IN CLASS IS VERY TIRING?!

Raquel

Do you know my name...

2009-05-21T11:16:00.003+08:00

The stupid Eric Clapton song is stuck in my head. For some weird unknown reason to me, my mind started playing the chords in my mind over and over again. To the point of annoyance. Hah.

Just when I thought I could get some relief from work, Amanda decides that I should write an article on sports shooting. Bah Bah! So now I have not onyl newswriting article to complete, but also my Business Etiquette report to write and 10 facts on why sport shooting is FUN. Uhh... Yeah. Yay. A day will be spent writing. I am such a loser with no life.

Only comfort is that JOEL will be doing equestrian. So I got the cooler sport. Amanda secretly loves me I think. HAHAHA! But he gets to see horses!! ): Was soooo looking forward to see... I am just trying to make him feel better about his loser sport.

So now I have little time to blog at home, seeing how I am seldom at home, and when I am, I am doing work. I think people are starting to hate my words. Seeing how every sentence that comes out of my mouth is always ALWAYS related to work. Except when I ask mother for money. Also another touchy topic.

Sigh. I shall get back to wo-. Huh. See what I mean?

Raquel

It's 2am darling

2009-05-19T02:25:00.002+08:00

I think I'm starting to miss you.
You have secretly wound your way into my life,
And now I secretly think of you.

Every waking moment seems an understatement.
I think I dream of you.
And everytime I think of you,
A smile lights up my face.

All these insginificant replies of yours,
I am starting to feel it.
The feeling of wanting more.
Craving.

I wish I can take your hand,
And we can sing our favourite tune.
A timeless piece we play in our heads.
The dirt touching our feets,
soft and sticky,
like chocolate mud fudge.

And maybe one day,
When everything's done,
I will miss you.
But for now,
I secretly think,
I found you.

Raquel

The song we compose

2009-05-17T01:23:00.002+08:00

There used to be a time when I would write poems everyday. I regret not ever keeping them. If I did, it would have filled a book by now. Those were the days when I was at my most creative. Those were also the days where I enjoyed myself the most. I need to start moving on, going forward. Except, I keep looking back, thinking how my secondary school life used to be. Everything that happened that time was what triggered my poetic side all the time. Even know, it still does. Somehow I kinda miss that feeling.

I seem to have lost the urge to push on. I keep thinking of how I wish we could all be the way we used to be. I think I have changed so much. It actually scares me to think how cynical I have turn out. Where is the me who laughed at all our lame jokes? I think I lost her. I think we lost them. I no longer smile like the past. I no longer laugh as often. If this is life, growing up, I don't ever want to.

I understand why my parents think me stupid to want to rush to adulthood. For all the glamour kids see in our life, the responsibilities that come along with it is the invisible chains that bind us. I miss staying back in school punishing cadets. I miss going around bemoaning about Matt's fat butt. I miss sucky canteen food. I miss you guys. The chains that bind me to my life now is suffocating me. I can't seem to break free from them.

Save me. Somebody, anybody, save me from this mess.

Raquel

Love is is all that I can give to you

2009-05-14T23:46:00.002+08:00

What is love? A symbol of affection, gratitude and romance. I was blog-hopping around and I came across this post that said so much about how love is not what it is anymore. I wonder if it's really true.

It would be really sad if this is the case, so much that we have fought for, from the freedom to choose our spouse to the freedom to choose our lovers, the freedom to love has been fought for centuries. What happen during that process? Have our thoughts and education somehow taint our views on this sacred emotion?

Scientists have done studies on how love is actually a chemical reaction in our minds. My beliefs of finding true love kind of shattered along with that revelation. What has become of the pure emotion given to us? The emotion that tied Adam to Eve, Romeo to Juliet? Suddenly, science claims that that love is not a miracle, but merely a molecule. Soulmates don't exist.

I really wonder if, with the advancement we make each day, comes the disillusionment of every single thing that was once held sacred and dear to us. I think I have come to a point where love has as much hold over me as "God" has. I still "fall in love" with guys, I still say "I Love You" to my mom, but all these... I have that nagging thought that tells me these emotions aren't real. They aren't what comes from my soul, but my brain. An organ that determines my every thought, action and ultimately, my life and death.

I cease to exist when my brain cease to function. This sudden realisation makes me somehow unsure of what I really want in life now. Should I go forth towards my dream of being a war journalist or should I find a regular stable job. A choice between dying at any moment or dying at 70 years old. I think the sane choice would be obvious. But then again, when am I ever sane.

To be honest, I never plan to live beyond 40. So I try to cherish every moment I have right now. All the friends I have, all the family members beside me. I try to tell them how much I care for them, miss them and how thankful I am for their mere presence in this short journey.

I think if you really know me well, this won't be a surprise to you. I truly care for the ones close to me. Despite what I say, deep down, I know that if the day ever comes and I have to leave forever, I would choose to have just my family and close friends send me off.

I think I just wrote my dying wish here. And it actually seem to fit so well.

Raquel

Can we not think of titles?

2009-05-11T22:56:00.002+08:00

This is how my day went. It was... weirdly busy. I skipped school to see a doc today. Uh... went to the polyclinic at Outram and was rejected by this nurse 'cause it was lunch time. Err... yah. OK! moving on!

The visit was very short. Like I went in there, sat down and then before the seat was even warm, the doctor said I could leave. I'm like... uhhh.... okaaay! So I sat outside to collect my meds and the pharmacist kept giving me the wrong meds! So instead of taking 5 mins to get my meds, it took me... oh I don't know... 30 MINS?! HAHAHAH! It was hilarious because she kept telling me the cheif pharmacist is an old man who has problems seeing. And then when the flu tabs came, I'm like, can we not take this flu tab? 'Cause its gonna give me the Wooz. Haha. Genius.

After taking my meds, I was so prepared to go home when my friend called to ask me where the bloody PSA building is located. So it started off with me telling her directions and ended up with me following her there. Why am I so kind?! But she paid for the cab fare so... FREE CAB RIDE!!!

Reached the building and decided I needed a drink, so I went to starbucks and got myself a Choc Frap. Eh... to be honest... it tasted like milo with cookie crumbles. Only thicker. And creamier. Suprisingly, I have yet to shit. Buuuut we all didn't need to know that. HAHA!

Kay yes! So now I'm home and slacking away, while my voice is starting to sound like Jenny's. Oo... sexay! Hahaha! I secretly thinks she's hottt! Whatever... I am rambling... Bye.

Raquel

Baby is a bnous?

2009-05-01T14:23:00.005+08:00

May Day is a rare break for me and I decided to spend some of my time with my school friend. Unfortunately for her, she needs to work during the morning. So I went to her workplace (she works at Starbucks by the way), and waited for her to end her shift. As I look around, I can't help but notice a pregnant lady that looked as if she was any time due. So I really do wonder, is the whole giving birth to more babies a good thing for us Singaporeans female?

As the society progress, we women often play the part of a working individual as well. The modern society workplace is no longer a patriarchal system, women are more often than not, the boss of most men. So is it a tad bit unfair to impose on women the pressure to start a family when they have so much more pressure than most men? In the past, women were encouraged to give birth to children, only because that was what they were "born" to do. Traditional societies still insist that a woman's main form of success would depend on how many heirs she could produce. Note that I said heir and not heiress, traditional society is conservative as such. But I digress, the point here is, women today are just as career-minded as men, if not more.

Few men find the balance between work and family, even after their housewives are supposedly looking after the latter, much less a woman. We have to juggle between work, getting pregnant, giving birth, waking up in the middle of the night to breastfeed, waking up again a few hours later to get to work, bring the kid to the childcare centre, bring the kid home, cook for the family, clean the house, only to find that their husband tell them that they are being inattentive in bed. The process repeats and repeats. And the husband gets more and more bored and frustrated in bed. Because we are tired.

Of course, some men do understand, that I will not deny, but understanding does not mean approval. Neither does it mean no frustration or disappointment. Humans are as such, we know alot, understand many, but accept little. We are stubborn creatures who are selfish beyond means. I mean, even as a woman, I understand what the men go through. Only because I have experienced the annoyance of finding your loved one in bed snoring before you can even say the word "horny". Do not judge me.

So with all due respect to MM Lee and SM Goh and PM Lee and all other ministers and MPs, I think that you should stop giving us so much pressure to give birth. At least, tell the society not to judge us so harshly when we remain blessedly flat.

I LOVE...

2009-04-24T21:58:00.002+08:00

So I made my parent do the personality test that Mr Bangras (do not mock him!) gave us during class! Hahaaha! Truns out, I am more like my mom than my dad! Thank goodness! Hahahaha! My dad scored 40. This is his evaluation.

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and
practical. They see you as clever, gifted or talented,
but modest. Not a person who makes too quickly or
easily but someone who is extremely loyal to
friends you do make and who expect the same
loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you
realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in
your friends, but equally that it takes you a long
time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

Hahaha! My mom said that it's really true. I asked why. Guess what she said? Cause your dad trust me... and I never lie to him.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! I have no comments!

Obviously my dad replied saying," No. That's 'cause my money is in your hand." LOL!

Raquel

when the lights go out, forget my existence

2009-04-06T00:51:00.003+08:00

I have pondered over this entry time and time again. I keep thinking:"Should I write this? Should I post this?" But when I saw the post you wrote on your blog, I decided that maybe I should just stop caring so much and publish this. I know that this is going to hurt your feelings, but the truth is, you've hurt mine. In so many more ways that you can never imagine. In all honesty, I don't think you have been a brilliant friend. A friend, yes. A good friend, yes. A close friend, (once upon a time) yes.

You always say you are busy, you have to work and study. I used to think that it's true, until now. Now what I think you say is all nothing but farce. Excuses you give yourself to escape from reality. We have known this problem existed. Even way back when you first started working. We have been foolish to think it would go away. Now we know it won't. Now I know it won't.

Truth is, I am jealous of everyone around you. The way you treat them is so different from how you treat me. Take Julia, Sherine, Pei Sheng, Lyon, Eugene, etc. You will approach them, talk to them, and you appreciate their company. But I don't feel it. Not with me, you take me for granted, much like how Aaron takes me for granted. Much like how my dad takes my mom for granted. Finally, FINALLY! I have had enough.

I will stop playing the main role, maybe that person you love so dearly will take up that role. Maybe he won't. But the role is up to you, the director, to decide. As Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances." This is my cue to stop playing Romeo to your Juliet.

In my six years of knowing you, I have come to love you, hate you, like you, despise you and then love you again. Just know that I still love you, even though I am making my existence in your future less prominent. Like the shine of a crown that dulls over time, my shine in your existence is already starting to turn dull. And maybe one day, the shine will be gone, as does my existence. But I will still love you.

Don't run to me when you fall though, I won't be there to pick you up anymore. It's tiring, because when you fall, you hurt alot more than me. But still, it hurts me 'cause you cry. When you do, it's almost heart-wrenching. I want this tiredness to stop. I wish there was some way I can still be close to you without me feeling your hurt everytime, but I can't. So the only way I can lessen this is by making a retreat. I am sorry if I sound selfish.

I think you've really blew it this time. You have successfully made me give up on whatever chance I hold onto of us getting better when you wrote that post of yours. I don't know whether you've realised it but you writing that post, just made me realise how foolish I really am for wanting your attention. You made me realise you don't really care for this friendship at all and that to you, I am just one of the many friends you can afford to lose. It's the same with Pei Sheng, and now it's the same with me. I don't know what to make of you anymore Huiyi. I really don't. I think I'm starting to fail to understand you. Just like you fail to understand the world.

Raquel

Now it sets in...

2009-04-01T00:44:00.002+08:00

Nothing in this world is supposed to be able to spoil my mood right now. After all, my dad had a very successful operation and now that he's out of the ICU, my biggest worry is over. Right? Wrong.

Apparently, just like with every major change in a car's engine, the need for a human body to adapt to this change takes time. Only, with a car, it takes a couple of days before the driver knows how much force he must use to step on the gas pedal without making the car fly. My dad? He needs a year. Great. So guess who's gonna look after him? That's right, me.

I wouldn't mind looking after him for a few days, but we are not really talking about a few days here are we? We are talking weeks and months. No salt, sugar or oil. No red meat, seafood and processed products. Why does the lord have to do such a thing to me?! I know I prayed for his recovery and stuff, but I NEVER prayed for bland food who's only rival is the hospital menu!

But for my dad I will endure. Because I don't wanna be fatter than him.

Raquel

Disappointment

2009-03-27T01:19:00.003+08:00

Words fail to describe my emotions right now as I stare into the screen in front of me. I really wish that there is a way to let out all my frustrations, anger and sadness. But words truly did fail me this time.

I have two piece of news to share. Let us start with the disappointing one. I am not flying to Europe. My holiday has been cancelled. This leads to the next piece of news, my dad has been admitted to the hospital for a Bypass. For those that do not know what a Bypass is, the heart is stopped while the surgeons replaces the diseased artery with a vein graft, usually from the saphenous vein, located in the thigh region. After replacing the artery, the heart is then put back into the patient's body and a defibrillator is used to start the heart pumping again. But the heart might not beat on its own and if it does not, the patient is considered dead.

So you see, I really have no idea what to do right now. Suddenly, I wish this world would just swallow me up and let me go to my peaceful place. I am worried about my dad, as much as I am angry with him. And while I am glad that his disease have been found just in the nick of time, I am frustrated at his dismiss towards our advice on his eating habits over the years. Not to mention, I am still rather bitter about my lost trip.

I keep telling myself, "It wasn't meant to be. Europe wasn't meant to be. I hope my dad stays alive."

Raquel

This feeling... It's so contradicting.

2009-03-08T01:45:00.002+08:00

I think I am born a pessimist. Even as a kid, I hate everything around me. I never see the good in life, I never see the opportunities. I only see hatred, self-doubt and anger. What is wrong with me? I am always on the two extremes. It's either I am so ecstatic I feel like I'm on a sugar-rush, or I am so depressed I depreciate all my self-worth into nothingness. The worst part, it happens so repetitively, it is like a pendulum that keeps swinging back and forth. It tires the ones around me and it tires me of myself as well. I loathe myself, seriously.

Every morning, I wake and reflect on the things that I have done in my life, all the mistakes I've made. I will then try and reflect on all the good things that I have done. Nothing. I can never remember the good stuff. My brain is perpetually on pessimist mode. It does not help that my dad thinks I'm too much of an optimist. I hate it when he calls me naive. I hate it when people call me naive. I think sometimes I too sensitive for my own good. But only sometimes.

I try to change my over-sensitiveness. But I think it is not working. The man at home whom I call my dad is always making me over-sensitive. Like, I always have to guard my words, my body language, my tone. It's a wonder I'm not as sensitive as him. Or maybe I am. I do not really want to know.

I think I'm anti-social. I think everyone hates me. I think this way because I hate myself. What's the use of all those crap I preach if I cannot even take my own advice? "Listen to your heart"... "you will find someone better"... "try thinking positively"... What bull! If anyone is going crazy, it's me. I am the most cynical teen that is desperately trying to lead a fairytale life. What is my dream. To be a journalist. But you want to know something? I think I cannot write. I cannot write a decent story to save my life. I cannot write to make people happy. I am always writing about my sorrows. I am always angsty. I ask for attention in the most pathetic way EVER. See this post your reading? This is ME asking for YOUR attention.

This is me telling you, "Oh come look at how pathetic I am! Say those comforting words! Tell me I'm great!". But no matter what you say, the need to be noticed is still there. I want people to know me for me. I want them to understand me. But everytime they get too close, I get scared. Not because they are close to me, but because I fear they will be horrified by how broken I really am. I am the most serious person you can find. Yet, I always pretend not to care.

I am envious of everyone. Always thinking everyone is better than me. Is this called self-conscious? I think it's more than that. I think it's called failure. Failure as what? As a human being of course. I envy those who get to do the jobs they like, those who get good scores, those who have a niche, those who have a passion for what they are doing, those who are so confident of their princicples. But I hate them as well. I hate the perfect life I think they are living. Of course their lives aren't perfect, but nonetheless, I hate that they have something I don't.

I am over-competitive. I want to be good at everything. I want to be the best. But I hate it when people give unwanted advice. If I didn't ask for it, dun give it. Sometimes, I wonder why do I still have friend around me. I am the most self-absorbed git who wallows in her own self-pity. If this were during the ancient Roman times, I would be killed. I would be stabbed. I would be sold as a slave. All this because I'm a nacissist. Can you believe it, for all that I hate, the person I love the most is myself? And yet, I hate myself the most. How utterly contradicting of me. But that's the way I am. Contradicting the very existence of everything. Including myself.

Raquel

2009-02-21T01:44:00.003+08:00

I think we are all different in our own ways. We all have different looks, different heights, different colours. But what makes us different aren't these things. It's the way we see everything, the way we experience life and the way we deal with the setback in our lives. I will not say I am the master of life neither will I proclaim myself to be the guru of worldliness. But I can tell you this, you are what you write.

What do I mean? Whatever you have written or will ever write, is a reflection of who you are and what you have become. The words that you put down on paper, when in its most sincere form, takes place of what your heart truly desires to convey.

The mind, they always say, is the one that controls the human functions. From our consciousness to our everyday rituals, like peeing, our mind is said to be the one that controls everything. But the heart still plays an important role in our language. It is our way of saying, I promise you my love, devotion friendship, trust; a promise of an emotion. Why is that so? Because when the heart stop beating, that is when we stop living.

I think what I'm driving at in this post is, for as long as we shall all live, never try to change yourself into something you cannot recognise. Because, if you cannot see yourself as who you are, you can never learn to accept what you need to be. I do not mean you should stay the same, but your views, your life, your love for the things u appreciate in life, should not be changed so forcefully and purposely that you are no longer who u feel you are.

I would know, because I've tried. And I've failed. I tried to be someone I am not. And it hurt like hell.

~Raquel~

Almost there...

2009-02-05T17:39:00.002+08:00

I am forever thankful to the gods above that helped my pass through this first year of my poly life. To say that it is something like ITE would be a complete farce. Nonetheless, I am grateful for the journey that I have been through and hopefully, that feeling of gratefulness will last in me for the next half a year. Knowing me though, by tomorrow, this feeling will diminish by half. Sad. But until then, let us take that the lessons that I have learned this year will be something so magical, it will stay with me for the rest of my life.

As I am blogging about my completeness of my newfound attitude in life, a woman walks past my farm and comments on the wonderful vegetables that are growing in there. I don't think its wonderful though, it makes my housing estate look like a village. Maybe Ishould rear chickens. Now would be the right time I reckon. So the chicks have time to grow up and be fat, and then I can slaughter it for the next Chinese New Year. Kampong chicken... healthy. ((:

I am not being a busybody, I am stuck outside my house with absolutely nothing to do. Not really nothing, but I decided that since I have not blogged for a long time, and every blog post that I put up is short, I think I owe it to everyone reading a nice solid essay, with a word count of 1500. I know I am nice, you can save it. (: And plus, I'm in a good mood today, so I am chatty! I am a chatty person with no one to talk to today. I should be sad, but I secretly find solace that I can at least be happy for one day of the entire gloomy year. A year that should not be gloomy, but nevertheless, it is.

You want to know how much I spend today? I know you don't really care, but I am going to say it anyway. I spent a total of $25.10. Yay me! I bought a shirt, a cup of chocolate and lunch. I think it's money well-spent. The shirt I bought is really cute. It shows a bear with a beehive, and he is the bees in the beehive as darts for his dartboard. I think it's funny. No, wait. I KNOW its funny. Hahaha.

Sherine called me when I was in the midst of writing this post. She called to ask why I called her beforehand. So I told her I was bored and I needed someone to talk to. Anyway, tha led to the conversation I had with alnishyia last night. Yes, unknown to many, I actually have indian friends. Just because I am secretly racist towards them, that does not mean I have to discriminate them. It is just my prejudice. I am deviating. Socpsych is no longer needed here. So anyway, alnishyia says she wants to go overseas to study medicine. In india. I am... stunned. Wordlessness is the only feeling I had when I heard this piece of news. Why on all place INDIA?

But then, I told sherine what I told alnishyia. I will visit her in India, and she will show me her indian boyfriend, who speaks to her in indian and who has an indian accent when speaking in English. Then I will secretly laugh at her boyfriend because of the said accent and mock him behind his back in front of him. Did that make sense. It doesn't really matter. Because it's not meant t make any sense.

Kay, I think its a long solid post, of... I cannot be bothered to word count it. But I think it's long. So I shall just leave it as it is and not crap anymore. Okay. Bye now. (:

Raquel

This post only has one sentence...

2009-02-02T21:01:00.000+08:00

... Or two. I need to get away from everyone. Now.

Raquel

With request from Wei Long

2009-01-16T23:29:00.002+08:00

I am blogging right now because of a request from an old friend of mine. hahahaa!! So I shall update!

Today, I went out for lunch after my radio project! Hahaha! And it was really nice... Cuz I was tired and moody and cranky but lunch cleared all that unwanted feelings up. Then we went to rifle range road for a walk, which turned into a game of catch at the mayfair playground. It was so fun cause sam couldn't find us. Then I bumped into a small boy who so small, I thought he was the railing. Yay so awesome of me. -.- He was short lah what you want me to do?! hahahaah!

The boy was so shy but we decided so ask him if he wanted to play with us. Hahaha! So cute! He started telling us the games he wanted to play and so we ended up playing freezetag! and Spiderman with him till around 6. Hahahaah! We are going back next week! I swear he is the sweetest KID!

So I did 3 good deeds today! Firstly, I picked up a soccer ball for a guy who accidentally kicked from the streety soccer court. Secondly, I bought breakfast for Cat! YAY! HAH! I bet she forgot! And thirdly, I treated a kid nicely! Woot~ I am AWESOMELY KIND TODAY! I think I deserve good 10 pts for my kindness dun you think?! Dun you?! DUN YOU?! Hahahahahahaahah!!!

Raquel The KIND!

NO! RAQUEL THE AWESOMELY KIND! hahahaha!

Finding the meaning of love again

2009-01-10T01:12:00.003+08:00

First thing first, I passed my Writcom class test! Happiness!

I think I've come to a point where I'm tired of being a mature thinking adult. It's very tiring. It makes me unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. Now I see the innocence of my past as a blissful character trait I foolishly traded for sarcasm and knowledge. Knowledge that makes all adults complex and burdened.

I also realised that saying a simple " I love you" to your close friends or family will really make their day a lot better. I wish I said these three words everyday. No one gets tired of this phrase. Sometimes, loving is the ultimate way to heal a wound. I would know, 'cause my wounds were healed by it.

So I think I am going to start finding a reason everyday to fall in love with something. Just so I can retain whatever innocence that's left in me. Not much, but I believe I still have some left. (: And today, I fall in love with my friend's character. Because she didn't figh with me. She didn't quarrel with me and she wore green. So I love her. I offically like her a lot today. (:

Raquel

Now I'm scared

2009-01-07T15:59:00.002+08:00

Kay... you wanna know smthn? I think I might be giving up everything. I feel utterly useless right now. Four passes! Only four passes in class?! What the hell is going on?! And I can bet that the four passes will not include me. It'll probably be Sam ( cuz she is just so darn hardworking!), Sonia (cuz we all know she WILL pass), Joel (well... cuz he's just Joel lah...) and Juu ( cuz Juu is Juu. She always does it).

Giving up... I really really feel like giving up now. Maybe I'm just really not suited for this. Maybe I should just quit and start looking for a job. I am not made for great things. Great things just don't ever happen to Raquel. Not now, not ever. I might as well just accept fate and hand my life over to it on a silver plate. Yay... Woopie me. Fate Accepter. -.-

Am I being very angsty? I think I'm being very angsty. You wanna know why I'm angsty? Cuz I am. I just always am. I am. Angsty. I wish I am able to zen myself whenever I want to. But I can't. I'm too... eh... emotional to be zen. Did that make sense? I thought it made sense. But I know I'm not making sense. Yeah. Whatever.

Then! Here is the part where I say some emo stuff and go all sobby. But I won't. Cause I'm trying to achieve Zen. But I know I won't achieve it. So why do I try. Back to the question. Why do I try to be smthn I'm not? Why try to be Zen when I can only sob, moan, complain, bitch, groan... you get the drift. WHY?

Someone answer me god damn it!

uh... okay

bye.

Raquel

Irritating men who behave like boys.

2008-12-27T00:22:00.002+08:00

There is only one word to describe such men, assholes. Seriously, if a man can tell a woman, "why can't we be 'friends with benefits'," then the man is a jerk. Just so you know, I'm talking about a particular person. Thank god I hate telling boyfriends I have a blog.

Raquel

Second Helpings...

2008-12-15T23:53:00.002+08:00

This is the second time I'm watching Twilight. Awesomely good! I know Catherine's gonna say that I am really noisy while watching it, but that is another story. Haha... anyway, I'm in love with Edward Cullens. I'm not really fond of Robert Pattinson though... He gives me the impression that he's rather arrogant in real life... I dunno... It is my PERSONAL opinion. PERSONAL.

Edward's character is what's so appealing. He's brooding, mysterious personalities are what makes my heart flutter everytime he appears. The way he looks at Bella is another reason why I like him. It's almost as if she's the only lifeform that exist in his world-and it probably is for him. If only a guy would look at me like how Edward looks at Bella.

As I quote from Sam,"EDWARD IS TOO ROMANTIC TO BE TRUE[!]" hahaha!!! And he is (not true).

Sad

Raquel

Family...

2008-12-10T21:58:00.002+08:00

I think I should say this. My family is screwed up, but I still love them.

I love them for all the things they've done for me. All the simple, stupid, caring things they do for me- like bullying my classmates into liking me.

I love them for all the times they tried to tolerate my nastiness. I know I'm not exactly the nicest girl on earth. I think if I am to look back, I think my mom was really tolerant with me, even when I wasn't.

I love them for the times when they would try to cheer me up when I am down. God knows that without them, I would be in depression now.

Ultimately, I love them for being there for me. Everytime I'm down, they are always there to cheer me up. Everytime I'm down, they would try and be my light. Without them, I wouldn't be me. Without them, I wouldn't be writing this post today.

Without them, I would have died on this night, 4 years ago.

Thank you God, for giving me my family.

~Raquel~

Breasts... We all have them... including my bro...

2008-12-04T23:57:00.002+08:00

You think that conversations between mass commers are all about issues on the india hostage crisis and the melamine incidents in China. But all these notions are false! We talk about stuff that are lame like everyone else. Sometimes, a bit lamer than the rest. Here is a typical convo.

яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:52:37 PM)
ok lah...
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:52:43 PM)
im more worried i snore
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:52:44 PM)
hahaha!
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:52:59 PM)
then my bro take pics of me in unglam poses
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:53:01 PM)
-.-
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:53:05 PM)
he likes to do that
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:53:10 PM)
so show that im a man
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:53:16 PM)
in disguise...
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:53:18 PM)
-.-
SAM says: (11:53:44 PM)
HAHAHA
SAM says: (11:53:49 PM)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
SAM says: (11:53:52 PM)
say kor
SAM says: (11:53:55 PM)
look at my boobs
SAM says: (11:54:03 PM)
do they look like they're part of a man
SAM says: (11:54:04 PM)
HAHA
SAM says: (11:54:05 PM)
oh
SAM says: (11:54:11 PM)
sorrryyyy ahhahahahahahahaha
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:54:23 PM)
hahahaha! i cannot say that... that's mean...
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:54:31 PM)
cuz then its like telling him hes a woman
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:54:34 PM)
hahahahahahah!
SAM says: (11:54:37 PM)
HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH
SAM says: (11:54:40 PM)
HAHAHHAHAHA OMG YOU DAMN MEAN
SAM says: (11:54:40 PM)
HAHAHAHA
яαqυєℓ... all the nuns are gay... says: (11:54:48 PM)
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!

Kay. That WAS lame. Sorry. HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHA!

~Raquel~

2008-11-29T16:22:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a bitch! Hahaah! I got my first assignment for the Youth Olympics 2010! I went to the floating platform yesterday to get some footage of the friendly soccer match between YOG and the Youth Asian team. Or something like that.

Anyway, the game wasn't all that exciting and awesome, but the team spirit shown on both sides were awe-inspiring man! The guys on the field were on an average 15 years older than me, but yet, they were all co-ordinated in their moves! They kicked ass yo! Well not really, but we scored the first goal! Durig the first half! When everyone was still alert! HAH!

The joke of that day though was this sentence that was said by YOG's team captain during half-time.
Team Cap: ... And don't run so much!
Haha! He's aware!

But you know, as I was standing there taking videos of the match, I got bored. And tired. And grumpy. So I started to zone out. I hummed songs to myself. I talked to my friend. Imaginia. She is fun to talk to. I think I'm going crazy. Huh.

But you know, despite the sun shining in my face and the really disappointing reality of Mark being plump, I think I did great. Cause I got the goal on cam. And the footage is awesome! Haha! Well, I think it's awesome.

I am Cool... Da Bomb...

Ok, I'm a narcissist.

Deal with it.

~Raquel~

school...

2008-11-28T00:48:00.002+08:00

I have to say this. My friends in poly are the coolest bunch. I hate them at times, but I love them ALMOST all the time. See, here are three reasons why I think they're cool.

Reason 1: They hug you. With cake.

We are a team. SO we behave like one! If one of us gets cake, we all get cake!

Reason 2: They laugh hysterically at lame jokes.

Here is one very excellent example.
Ben: What do you call a bunch of Indians rolling down the snow hill?
... A MacFlurry... HAHAHAHAHA!

Reason 3: They have weird hand signals that they do to show they want to pick a fight.

Good examples are found with sam and sonia.

Kk... actually, my friends are nice people. They are all fun in their own ways. That is what makes them nice to hang out with... feels very comfy around them. Haha... I love my friends.

My bitchy ass friends.

Like Sonia.

And Cat.

hahahahahahahahahaha! (:

~Raquel~

Life is a circus...

2008-11-12T21:11:00.002+08:00

EEK! Do you know what keeps going through my mind as I write this post? God damn Written Communication lectures! How the 'Subject/Verb Agreement' must agree and how the verb must come before the noun and how punctuations mean EVERYTHING. I think I'm actually going cuckoo!

Ah... but something delightful happened today. I re-befriend a long lost friend of mine. LOL! He used to be from Red Cross, my fellow CCA comrade. Yes! Do not laugh! I actually am in Red Cross. Think me not inhuman, for I am! I actually CARE... Just that I care more for myself... Catherine Wong... Do not LAUGH! I KNOW UR LAUGHING! So bitchy!

Then today I have decided that my posts were dreary, hence I decided to post one that is more cheerful! I am thinking... what would be more interesting to read, Cannibalism or Euthanesia. But I don't really know... maybe I'll write about Psychopaths. Hmm...

And you wanna know a secret? I think all my friends are actually cool... Cat(2008), Denise(2003), NK(2008), Sam(2008),Sherine(2003),Son(2008) et al.

Hahaha! I think I'm obsessed with Written Communications. Someone scrub my brains now.

~Raquel~

Round and Round the Merry-Go-Round

2008-11-02T11:56:00.004+08:00

If we sat by the river,
with our feet kicking the water playfully,
would you still view me as an adult?

If I cling onto you,
when we take the Ferris wheel,
would you still think me brave?

If we run to the middle of the field,
collapsing onto the muddy ground,
would you still view me as a child?

If I cry in front of you,
when my pet goldfish died,
would you still think me strong?

I wish you'd see me for me... not anyone else...

~Raquel~

Curves and Edges

2008-10-28T01:30:00.002+08:00

So much has happened in such a little time. It's making it hard for me to breathe and I'm suffocating. Stuck in a dilemma. On one hand, I feel that honoured that someone thinks I'm the one, but on the other hand, I can't forget the past. Somehow, the feelings of exhilaration doesn't mask the fact that I'm still in love with him. No matter how much I try to deny it.

Then there's the feeling of misery. The feeling of loneliness that I desperately want to squash. He is like the rebound. But I thinks it's unfair that his first love is a rebound. Everyone needs someone perfect for their first love. Its only fair. But life isn't fair. It wasn't fair to me...

I wish I could ignore it. Give this feeling to someone else. After pining to be a pair, suddenly being one is seems less burdensome. Maybe this new found togetherness is scaring me. And I'm desperately trying to run away.

~Raquel~

A short one.

2008-10-22T21:56:00.002+08:00

Cordelia says," In this very small country we live in, everyone knows everyone. In some way or another. So someone might know someone who might know someone who knows you're a scumbag."

I think I agree.

~Raquel~

Norin

2008-10-20T22:07:00.002+08:00

Maybe this is better for you. To end this suffering before it ends up wrong. Honestly, I don't really know how to explain this to you, but maybe, you were just trying to find a substitute for your dad. One that you hope, just like your mum did, you could change him for the better. Perhaps, one day you will realise what I mean. Perhaps you won't. But it doesn't really matter.

Because what matters is that you have your friends and me. You are like my little sister. One that I feel duty-bound to protect. Just like Pei Sheng. Also, what matters is that you realise your mum loves you. And that she is a really incredible woman. I admire her strength.

Norin, I hope that you can really forget about him. Move on. Even if that means you need to get a re-bound guy. But know that there are many who will stand behind you. Like for example: Your Family and Friends.

~Raquel~

Ps: posted this when I'm half alseep. So pardon me if I'm not as eloquent.

bah bah...

2008-10-19T23:43:00.002+08:00

I think I am officially a greedy pig. Even my relatives think I'm a big eater. LOL. Let me recount what happened yesterday.

I went to my aunty's house for my nephew's birthday( god saying this makes me feel OOOLD!). And when I was taking food, my uncle said this to me.

Uncle: Are you sure you are only taking this much?! Eat more! This amount where got enough for you?!

Me: *nervous laugh* ha... err... I'm on diet??

Uncle: DIET?! What kind of diet?! Weight increasing diet???

Me: *nervous laugh again* ha... er... no weight reducing... -.-

How sad is that? Sigh~ And then! My parents went out to play mahjong with my relatives, which obviously meant he was there as well... And I called my mom to say I'm hungry.

(By the way, this conversation was said after I put down the phone, therefore I have no knowledge of it till this morning.)

Uncle: JM called to say she's hungry?

My Mom: Yah lor. I told her not to eat anymore. Or she can eat fruits.

Uncle: You tell her to sleep lah!

My Mom: Yah. I suggested that as well.

Uncle: Yah... good... then you can oso tell her when she sleep that time dun count sheeps. Count pratas.

He then proceeds to give an example of how to count.

Uncle: One roti prata... Two! roti prata... Three! roti prata...

Everyone in the room laughs. At the expense of me. How... humiliating. I swear, they derive their happiness from my disgrace. AHHH!!! I have no more reputation!

But... since when did I have one to defend anyway??

~Raquel~

Suddenly I see

2008-10-17T21:57:00.002+08:00

With so many people around me feeling down, I can't help but feel a little sad myself too. Then again, it could be because of this person that I like, going out on dates with a girl that isn't me. Or perhaps it because all of a sudden, I wish my ex was standing by me again. But no matter whatever the reason is, I have decided that this sem is not one where I should fool about. Instead, this sem will be dedicated to doing well.

I wouldn't say that there will never be days like this again, but maybe, I can just try to distance myself a bit further from all these mess and stay focus on my aim. Of course, saying it is really easier than the actual thing. But nonetheless, I will try.

~Raquel~

First day... Back

2008-10-13T15:27:00.003+08:00

School has started again and today is the very first day back for me. A feeling torn between happiness and dread fills me as I step onto school grounds. A step closer to my dream, seeing that the previous sem is done and over, but the nagging feeling that I might be one step closer to being jobless weighs on my shoulders. But anyway. I'm not blogging because of that.

I went to meet Sonia today after school. It started with what was supposed to be a lunch between us, ending up with a group lunch between me, Sonia, Amanda and Hazirah. Don't ask me why. HAHA! After lunch, it was already 2.30 and they were running late for their class. Hence, they paid and leave. I sat in the resturant and decided to people watch. At first I felt really uncomfortable. Then that feeling left, seeing how they can't chase me out. It helped that I ordered another cup of tea.

And after awhile, a man and a woman came in. They were about 50+ and at first, I didn't really take note of them. But then! The man whip out his laptop and started playing songs from the numerous CDs that they brought along with them. And after they realised that no one was gonna say anything about them, the woman got up and showed the man her DANCE MOVES! Oh my god! She was really dancing! It was so amusing.

Luckily, they quiten down and went back to playing random dance songs and squabble over the viability of it's beat and the people who like to show off (or something like that). Don't ask me. I couldn't understand what they were saying.

By the way, they were sitting 50 meters away from me.

~Raquel~

Reminisicing...

2008-10-11T22:44:00.002+08:00

This post took me almost forever to write. As I was writing this post, I sat in front of the computer thinking how I'm going to convey my feelings to you guys. At first, I felt that maybe an emo post would suit it. Then I remembered Sonia saying I should post happier ones and stop being emo-ish. So I tried writing a happy one. But it just didn't come out right. It was too cheery. Too unlike how I'm feeling right now.

I felt that maybe, by writing this poem, it might do the trick.

If there was a war raging outside my house now,
I would be oblivious to it.
Not because of my disregard to reality,
But because I'm deaf.
Deaf to the world's conflicts.

If my life was to end at this very second,
I wouldn't regret a thing.
Not because I have done everything right,
But because my wishes have been fulfilled.
Fulfilled by the gods that had blessed me from above.

If I were lost now,
I wouldn't be afraid.
Not because I have nothing to fear.
But because I know someone will notice.
Notice my absence; no matter how brief.

If I could have one wish granted to me right now,
it wouldn't be of the world's riches,
nor the intangibles of fame and status.

It would to just have this feeling remain in me forever.
The feeling of contentment.
The Peacefulness that made its appearance very rarely.
The feeling of Love.

~Raquel~

2 hours... and missing Japan already...

2008-10-06T20:55:00.002+08:00

Like all good things that must come to an end, my trip to Japan is finally over. As I step onto home soil, the feeling of forebode washes over my already frazzled nerves. Damn, back to reality. Something that I have been able to forget for the past one week. And as I entered my room, the comfort of a hotel room with it's forever sparkling clean amenities make me release an even bigger sigh of resignation. I keep thinking to myself, " Well, back to real life. Mess everywhere."

Japan is really the 'Land of the Rising Sun'. At 6 in the morning, the sun already starts to rise. And by 6.30am, people are already on the streets, rushing about their daily lives, trying to make it to work on time. But they do not rush and squeeze like our people, they are always polite and try to make things easy for us travelers. I really have to say, my view on them have totally changed. I used to think that they are like the 'french of asia', but I have to admit, I am wrong. They are one of the nicest people I've met, and I'm really ashamed to admit that our manners, as Singaporeans, are crude, as compared to them.

So when it was time for me to leave, I was really really sad. As I walk to the entrance of my plane, my feet felt stiff and heavy. My head throb from the looming prospect of returning back to my lonely and sad life. Where the guys around me are not hot like the guy that cooks curry rice. And where the Japanese food taste like crap.

Then again, maybe its because I'm tired.

~Raquel~
The sad and boyfriendless lonely hag.

Blogging from Japan...

2008-10-04T21:40:00.002+08:00

This is a really hard post for me to type. You wanna know why? CUZ JAP KEYBOARDS are freakingly COMPACT! ... And they have strange Hiragana words in addition to the English alphabets and Roman numerals.

So anyway, my trip was super fun! HAHAAH!!! I got to Tokyo and stayed there for the first two days. It was raining and thus I had an excuse to buy umbrellas! WOOT! The food in Tokyo is awesome! CURRY RICE!!! I swear, when I go back home, I am never touching local Jap cuisine no more! I will expect too much and get too little. Did I mention that their portions are HUMONGOUS as well?! My goodness! And their food is actually quite cheap! hahaha!!!

Then I went to Kyoto to see Geishas. My Brother tried to pose himself as one. It didn't work. He looked too fat. He looked like a wrap unagi ball instead. Sad. Moved on to Nara to see deers! HAHAAH!!! They are so cute! I managed to feed afew of them. Well, I wanted to feed more of them but my sis was stealing their biscuits for herself. Said they tasted nice. Don't ask. And the deers were damn fierce! They butted my ass!

Spent a night at Miyajima and had a superb Jap dinner. Traditional style. NICE! HAHAHA!!! Then went to the lobby for a drum performance before going for a hot bath in the public bathroom. My goodness! After that incident, my eyes are imminently scarred! LOL!

And then I am in hiroshima today. Went to visit the war Museum. It was the most enlightening visit in this country. I will go into detail another day, but those who visit Hiroshima MUST VISIT THIS MUSEUM! ZETAI!

And tomorrow, I am heading back to Tokyo for one last night. I hope I get to see Shibuya and Shinjuku or I will be really disappointed. Gah... its only11 and Im beat! I will talk when I get back!

~Raquel~

PS: Huiyi, are in the official members club yet? and dun lock me from ur website ass!

6.50am... on the road

2008-09-22T22:40:00.003+08:00

To all those that I cherish and hold dear. And to all that are in need of a friend.

Most of all, to those, who consider me as yours truly.

On days when you feel sad,
I will make you happy.
On days when you feel like crying,
I will hold you oh-so dearly.

When you start to panic,
Dun fret! For I am near.
When you feel lost and helpless,
Don't cry! For I will be in this dark tunnel,
Guiding you with a torchlight.

So put your fears aside,
And place your trust implicitly on me.
Because, my friend.
Paradise is the only place I want to take you with me.

~Raquel~

Love

2008-09-21T22:50:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, the need to have someone by your side is so overwhelming, you feel crippled being alone. And maybe that feeling will go away eventually, when you've settled down and adapted yourself to the surroundings. Then you gain back the confidence you've lost. But sometimes, the feeling just stays with you. Until someone, or something comes along and help you overcome this sense of loneliness.

Sometimes, the irritation you feel is so annoying, that you just snap at the innocent around you. But you do not realise, that the irritation is caused by the lack of understanding from those whom you want them to understand the most. So maybe, when you finally know that they do, the feeling will go away. But sometimes, the feeling just stays. Until you figure out that the problem lies with your lack of knowledge about those you accuse of ignorance.

Sometimes, all you want is to feel worthy. To be loved and cherished. But those around you seem to take you for granted. The feeling of neglect and unimportance harbored in your heart, makes you cold and distant. When all it takes for you to be warm and kind is a simple gesture of appreciation from another. And so, when you realise that those around you are only sane when you're around, these emotions will be erased. But then you might also understand, that your heart is just as selfish and the next human.

Simply because everyone needs to feel special. Wanted. Loved.

~Raquel~

My Dad

2008-09-20T11:04:00.002+08:00

Last evening, after work, I made a really stupid decision in a fit of anger. I decided to run away from home. My mom and I fought because of issues at work. Got really upset and when I told my dad about it(I was crying), he said things and suggested solutions instead of just listening to me, comforting me. Or maybe that was his way of comforting me. But either way, I wouldn't stop crying and he got angry. So he said," You know, the way you go on saying that I think it's your fault is starting to make me think that maybe it IS your fault! You know I hate it when people cry and you are crying!" Uh... that was when I hung up the phone on him.

I decided that since I couldn't put down my pride and just go home, I thought of wandering till night time before deciding on where I should sleep. I did consider Changi airport. But I was already on my way to harbourfront, so I decided to just sit at the top deck there and stone my time away. While sitting there, I got hungry and thought of the hot chows my family were having, instead of the burger and fries I was eating. I felt like going home then. BUT, my stupid pride got in my way and I told my dad I wasn't eating. He replied my message, saying he had bought my share. I was kinda surprised that he would still buy my dinner, even if when he thought I wasn't coming home.

Well, after a very introspecting talk with Cat, I figured that I should probably head home and apologise to my mom, but my sis called and I asked her where she was. Guess what? She ws at Vivo as well! Haha... eating dinner with her colleagues. Asked if I could join her and she said it was fine, so I sat with her throughout. I told her what happen and she said that that is why you can never work with your parents. I agree.

At the end, she brought me to Boon Keng Mrt and told me to take a train home. Got back pretty late and my dad was still not asleep. Thinking back now, maybe he was waiting for me. To make sure I'm safe. But my mom was alseep. He didn't talk to me, neither did he see me. We didn't even say hi. I think he knew that I probably wasn't ready to deal with this yet.

Whatever that happened last night, I still ended up back at home. I called my dad, and he never questioned about where I was and what I was doing. All he asked me about was if I saw the food he bought me for dinner last night and if I ate my dinner. And when I said I didn't, he asked if I put it in the fridge. I did, so he just told me that I could either heat it up and eat it, or there was bee hoon in the fridge that I could take as well.

As I put down the phone, I started crying again, because I realise that what I told Cat that evening was so baised and so wrong. My dad does care for me, even when he doesn't know how to show it.
Suddenly, I see him in a different light.

~Raquel~

An irritant.

2008-09-17T21:21:00.002+08:00

Let me tell you a story. A story about a girl who, all she ever wanted, was to feel accepted and loved by those she knows.

She tries and tries, but somehow, at the end of the day, she feels that she is being an irritant. Not to herself, but to those around her. And on those days, she would quietly question herself and her existence. Whether she was being the person everyone like. And what her main aim in life was.

You see, she was a girl who never got attention from anyone. Always, she would end up the wallflower, or the one people tried not to talk to. At least, that is what she thinks, what she feels. So she tries to be what everyone likes to see in a friend. Or at least what everyone likes to see in a friendly person.

Still, every night, she goes home, questioning her every action during that day. But what was she to do? She never told anyone. She never tried to just be herself. Or rather, she tried, but she realised she didn't know who she really is. Because honestly, when she is herself, she is quiet, and she is sad. The girl is depressed deep inside. Her heart weeps at her self-depreciation.

Now do you understand my story?

~Raquel~

Re-evaluating ME.

2008-09-12T20:18:00.002+08:00

A thought that never plague me since the fourth week of poly has recently been constantly re-surfacing in my mind again. I wonder if I've really grown more mature or have I merely learnt how to hide my emotions better behind my mask. I've been growing tired of wearing that plastic smile and cheerfulness to work everyday. Every moment behind that mask brings me closer to the brink of hypocrisy. Something I've tried not to turn to since I ended my secondary school life.

God I swear to myself I will try to lead an honest life from now on! But yet, I keep having to hide my thoughts and personality, whilst portraying an image of utmost compliance to my superiors and colleagues. Even when all I want to do is lash out at their lack of resourcefulness. I desperately wish I was back in secondary school.

So much has been bugging me. But yet, I can't- or rather I don't, want to speak of it. I fear my thoughts being labeled as 'trivial'. And I certainly don't want others to know what I'm thinking of. I hate the feeling of being not the one in power to solve my own problems. I hate being weak.

I wish I could escape. I really don't wish to face reality anymore. All I want to do is run and run. Into the sanctuary of my illusions and beliefs. The five years old voice of mine that still views the world of two shades. I think that why I miss school life. It gives me the illusion that everything is fun. Everything can be salvaged. Everything can be solved. And in school, there is always the 'secret garden'.

I miss life. I miss you.

~Raquel~

We can do something...

2008-09-05T01:14:00.001+08:00

By posting this on my blog. I'm hoping that my friends who care will do something about it. (:

Every year, millions of young children are exploited on the internet via child pornography. Every week 4 to5 new faces are added. Every time, the age of these children get younger. The average age for an exploited child is 9years old.We can do something to help them. By clicking on this link: Light A Million Candles, we can increase the awareness of this growing illicit industry. Let us not let our future generation be an exploited one. Let the children of the world be free. Let's provide a safe environment for them. Light a candle for them.

~Raquel~

GAHHH!!!

2008-09-02T18:31:00.003+08:00

I am seriously the destroyer of all things electronic! Want to know a deep dark secret of mine? My childhood whispers? Well, when I was young, everything I touch will, inevitably, be damaged by me.

When I was four, I nearly destroyed my brother's computer. All I did was just on the the computer, and played minesweeper. AND THEN! It hanged. Just like that. The infamous blue screen appeared. -.-

When I was six, my sis bought a pendulum. It was from her FIRST USA trip. I went to her room and started playing with it. You know, I took the last ball and started it moving. And then, the ball went haywire. And then, I tried to stop the ball from tangling. And then it got tangled. Brilliant.

When I was seven, I broke my dad's favourite pen. When I was eight, I broke my mom's favourite bowl. When I was nine, I crashed my brother's bike. When I was ten, I unhinged my sister's cupboard. So as you can see, I was a walking disaster back then.

But then! Nothing happened after that! I thought I was free from then horrible horrible childhood curse. Everything I touched, my computer, my laptop, were all crash free, diseased free. And all the other destructable, flamable items were safe in my hand. Alas! It was not to be. You know why? BECAUSE OF TODAY. -.-

Today, I destroyed my mom's washing machine. I think I burnt the motor. 'Cause I smelt burnt plastic. I know how burn plastic smelt like 'cause I burnt my 'unflamable' plastic lantern when I was five. And to say my mom was screaming into the phone would be a gross, GROSS, understatement. Bah... -.-

So now I need to buy her a new washing machine. THAT! Is thanks to my brother's big fat mouth. Now I am grossly in debt. 'Cause I have no money to pay and I need to borrow money from my dad.

NOW~ I need to get a job. For sure. -.-

THANKS BRO! -_-

~Raquel~

Experience...

2008-08-29T15:58:00.002+08:00

Its way too early for a blogpost, considering that the day isn't even up yet. Yet, I feel that this is one of the many revelations in my life I should write it down, should my memory fail me and I forget about this.

Coincidentally, today happens to be the celebration of teachers' day in my secondary school. I was at my house bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive when I spotted this old Indian woman picking up rubbish, cleaning the roads. It triggered a memory of mine.

When I was younger, I took the privileges of my life as a given. The clothes I wore on my back and the foods that were presented on my plate, were often scoffed and criticised at. I simply felt that my life should be better. I should be owning tailored shoes and dresses, living in luxury and only deserving the best and the finest. I did not appreciate my parents love. I was a narcisstic, uncompassionate human.

One day, while out shopping with my mom, I commented on how embarrassing it would be, to be acquainted with a road sweeper.My mom posed this question to me. What if that person is your mom? At that time, I laughed it off, saying it was impossible.

The ride home that day with my mom was horribly quiet.

But in my heart, I understand her worry behind it. I was turning into an uncaring and arrogant person. And she mourned for it. At that point, I was silently disgusted at my mom for having such thoughts. But now, my thinking differs from the past. Yet, till now, I never mentioned my final answer to that question of hers. Secretly though, I wouldn't have given a care if my mom worked as a road sweeper or a toilet cleaner. Simply because she's my mother.

I guessed at that point, she was trying to drive home the fact that, everyone is important so another someone in this world, even if they may seem insignificant to you. I was too selfish to understand at that time. But I know now.

So I watched the Indian lady doing her job, silently thinking who she was working so hard for. She turned to give me a smile. Then I understand even more. A job does not define a person's character. It is merely a tool people use to have financial stability in life. It is the small things we do as a human that defines us as a being.

It is our soul.

~Raquel~

Once upon a time...

2008-08-28T21:50:00.002+08:00

We used to be friends.
But one day, we just grew apart.
There is no one to blame.
We just wanted to lead different lives.

I will always look back,
Thinking and cherishing our good times.
I never regretted having you as a friend,
But I now know why we can no longer be.

You and used to have the same values.
Then one day we grew up.
Maybe it's because you and I found a life outside this friendship,
We forgot the importance of it.

Somewhere along the way,
You closed yourself from me.
Just as I did the same to you.
We lost contact with each other.

Maybe we never meant for this to happen.
But sometimes I feel I made this ending.
Because I simply stopped caring,
Since the day I left for the world outside this friendship.

I'm sorry.

~Raquel~

Post 2 of 2: The Real Post

2008-08-28T00:39:00.002+08:00

I think dating online nowadays are very much alike choosing of a slave boy in the olden Roman times. Think of a pedophilic old man walking around the bazaar looking at the slave boys and judging them in terms of looks. That was what came to my mind when I played this 'Fate' game, introduced by my friend.

I was on Tagged, the internet friend-making website( think Friendster), I was told by Hui yi to play 'Meet Me'. At first, I thought it was some kind of chatroom(I fear those!). But turns out it was just a 'game' showing you pictures of guys that you could potentially meet on their website. Aside from the blatant promotion of its site being THE place to meet new friends, it was, what I feel, a little degrading of these guys.

Throughout the whole charade, I kept seeing guys who are topless, guys who lie about their age, guys who lie about their looks, guys who try to act cool but JUST AIN'T , and guys who are just plain cute and sweet who probably never knew they were being showcased. SAD.

And they are usually the ones who get picked. And the others? They just continue to try. And try. And try. Until they lose their appeal and then they start preying on innocent girls, using fake age and pictures. Gah! Tell me now, do you not see this happening back before the Christianity gained popularity and the world was ruled by the druids?

Its upsetting. I wished we never had to meet people in such a way. It is so impersonal. I am forced to judge a person based on looks. The encouragement to be superficial promoted on these websites are frankly wrong and hypocritical.

Meeting a friend should be special. It should be fate. It should be based on personality. Not fake names, age or faces. Emphasis on the heart and soul is neglected. The feeling of superiority if your good looking is oppressing. We forgot that the thing that defines a person is not their looks or race. But rather, their heart and honesty.

We forget looks don't last a lifetime. Our soul does.

~Raquel~

Post 1 of 2: Prata Post

2008-08-28T00:17:00.003+08:00

HELLO!!! This is Raquel Hooo~! HAHA!!! Yes! My current obsession with the word HOOO came about after I watched Hard Gay vids. HAHA!!! Blame SAM!

Anyway, I went out with Sam today. Was actually supposed to play arcade. We cancelled. We got bored. It was on again. HAHA!! Weird! Then we spent like 9 dollars at the arcade in 5 mins. Damn! HAHA!! AaanD! I still didn't get to play House Of The Dead. -.-

Figured we had time and with nothing to do. Decided to pop down to ang mo kio for Yogurt. Tasted nice. I seldom say yogurts are nice. That yogurt was nice. HAHA! We proceeded to wander around the mall whislt eating our rapidly melting yogurt. Sam said she felt cheated. The previous yogurt auntie gave her more toppings. HEH?

Finally finish eating our yogurt. Still felt incomplete. Sam felt hungry. Decided to cash our Jalan Kayu rain cheque. Almost got on a bus when I realsied I had no CASH! HAHA!! Sam told me its sad 'cause we might have to wait another 20 mins after we miss this bus. BUT! As we were walknig to the ATM machine outside Cheers, she realised that we might be able to catch the bus from the bus stop outside. She rushed me to take money. -.- Thanks Sam.

Successfully boarded the bus and travelled down to Jalan Kayu. Prata was GOOD! HAHA!! The shop was renovated. Didn't really recognise it. Ate two egg pratas and washed it down with bandung. I like Bandung. I like rose syrup. (: Talked about our lives for the rest of the time. Sam says I can write a channel 8 drama series based on my life. I AGREE.

Then we reached my bus stop. Hers was across the road. Made Sam wait, in fear that I would be kidnapped by Banglahs. Consequently made her miss three buses. Sorry SAM... HAHAHA!!!

There. My Life=No Life= Prata at Jalan Kayu. Don't ask.

~Raquel~

A very sorry trip for me...

2008-08-26T22:40:00.002+08:00

I guess the title says it all. HAHA!!! I went out with Sonia today. She was gloating about her latest addition to her family. Her NEW cactus... -.- HAHAHA!!! Let me tell you why I met up with her.

I went to ITE Bishan today for lunch with Norin. Met Kartik, Rauf and Aqmal. Made a very interesting discovery on the way out. Aqmal once asked Norin to be his girlfriend. Erm... Was rather weird actually. Not him asking Norin. But going there to eat was weird. Everyone stared. Or I think they did. Then I said hi to practically everyone who were from my old class. Was cringing 'cause it was weird. But I felt a fuzzy feeling when I saw Sha and the gang. HAHA!!

Right. I then proceeded to my mom's office. AGAIN. I missed her( acutally, it's 'cause I didn't fel like going home)! Stoned there till like 2pm. Then I felt so bored. So I tot I'd ask Sonia out. Comtemplated Sam for a mo, before I realised that she told me she was accompanying her mom. Then Cat just woke up. HAHA!! So all that was left was SONIA. SAD! HAHA!!!

But overall, today was fun. HAHA!! It was really funny to see her weird face contortions. HAHA!!! I swear she practices these looks at home. It comes so naturally to her!

Sonia: The Face Contortionist. Sweeeett~

~Raquel~

nostalgia...

2008-08-25T23:02:00.002+08:00

Today was very much boring. Ah.. I suddenly realise that the holidays are draining my mental health. So I decided to take a trip down memory lane. Told my mom I was going down to ITE to collect my medical letter for my teeth accident. The trip there was filled with memories.

As I got up the bus, it reminded me of the times I had to rush to school 'cause I was late. Those days happened really often in the past. LOL! What made it more difficult for me to chase the bus was the stupid tight skirt that was mandatory, because it was the SCHOOL UNIFORM. HAHA!!! I miss uniforms. Life is so much simpler with them around.

When I reached Bishan Terminal, I decided to walk to school instead of hopping onto the feeder service. That path to school really brought back a lot of memories. The walk home with Norin, Kartik, Rauf, Luqman and Aqmal( when he comes to school) was so funny. Thinking back, maybe I really did have fun there, even if I didn't know it.

Then I thought of Norin's friendship. Maybe, without her around, I would have made more friends in that school. Maybe 'cause we were familiar with each other( we were from the same secondary school, same class in lower sec), we clung onto the other when in school. I guess I pretty much limited those around me to those who were comfortable being around us without ever entering our world.

But without her, I would have not pursued my dream and perhaps I would still be there. I supposed she made me realise how much I detested not having any aims in life. During that time, she encouraged me to go for my ambition. In other words, without her, I would probably not be where I am today.
In other words, Norin. Thanks.

And so I managed to get my medical letter back, and as I was on my way home, I told my mum today's trip to school was filled with memories. My mum gave me a weird look and said, "So much memories in such a short period spent there?"

Maybe I did enjoy my time there unknowingly... (:

~Raquel~

the biggest fool...

2008-08-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

I went for a job orientation today. To say it went badly would be a gross overstatement. I'm so sorry to say this, but whoever that is working for this company is seriously conned by them and their honey sweet words. Their company's hierarchy is so barely legal, its practices and company's rules already toeing the lines of the corporate laws in Singapore.

But I digress. The reason why is went disastrously was because I had to insult a person just to get away. The persistence of the sales manager to ask me to join the recruitment drive was so obsessive and cult-like, it kind of scared me. Pretty much the way of how a stalker might scare a celebrity.

So when I finally got pissed and told him in the face that I didn't like the industry he's working in, neither do I like his company. And he got pissed. So you know what he said to me in return? I shall reenact the dialog.

Me: I don't like you industry. Neither do I like your company.

Him: OK. I don't like your course either.

Me: HUH?

Him: I assume your still studying. So I'm saying I don't like the course your studying.

Me: But I didn't tell you what course I'm studying!

Him: Ok. So what course are you studying?

Me: Mass Comm.

Him: OK. I don't like mass comm. Actually, I don't mean I like this course, but I mean your should get my feeling now.

Me: (thinking why the hell I should care) I see no point in continuing this.

He is older then me. Get my point now? How childish can he get. And his loyalty and obsession with his company is creeping me out!

Why oh why can't some people grow up??

~Raquel~

So its finally over...

2008-08-18T18:53:00.002+08:00

It's come to a close. This semester, like a stage play has finally come to an end. I can't say that I'm not relieve, feeling like I've taken the bow and the curtains slowly close in on me, hiding me away from the eyes of my audiences. The wave of happiness and excitement for the impending holidays washes over me. Still I can't help but feel a bit of nostalgia running through my mind, while the others celebrate.

See, next semester we will have two new characters in our cast. Two of our current cast will be leaving for another team of actors. Our act will change. Our directors and producers will be different. Suddenly, this doesn't really look all that glamorous. I keep thinking, will these people I know now just be people who I've met at crossroads, moving on to different goals without looking back? I really wish we never had to separate. Admit it , in this past half a year, we have formed a bond. One that unknowingly binds us together as a class.

I wish it wasn't hard to say goodbye.

~Raquel~

This is going to be a VERY lame post...

2008-08-17T17:04:00.002+08:00

Just a tiny observation I made. Japanese are shrewd bastards. They manipulate everything. From their looks to the mindsets of the public. No, this is not one of my rant on how angmohs prevail and how asians should be condemned. Especially MALAYSIANS. Haha! If you get my drift...

Anyway, I meant the Japanese comment in a good way. See, it's good that they are shrewd. That is what makes them good at what they do. But what made me comment their behavior? You see, I was watching this japanese drama ( still showing in Japan- Man! I'm so forward in this area!) and I got addicted to the theme song. So I tried to google for the song download ( yes yes...) and I chanced upon the music video of that particular song. And so I watched it. It was good. The dance moves were slick. The rhythm was excellent. The lead in that music video was the lead in the show. -.-

See my point? Knowing that those who watched the drama will recognise the actor's face, they did a video that directly co-relates with the show. And did I fail to mention that the lead in the show happens to be in the band who sung the theme song? This marketing strategy is so direct, but so effective!

The show toys with your imagination. Not because the plot is VERY interesting, but because there are hot guys and cute girls to ogle at. Then there is the natural attraction to the ones who are leading the show. The gradual inclination to admire them. Place your most attractive guy as the lead, give him some good solid emo character, and BAM! You have a legion of fans who go gaga over your show.

Add on to the fact that he is in a boyband ( yes yes... this IS Japan after all... they have ANIME PORN), surrounded by OTHER hot guys and you start seeing money flowing into your bank account. Now how's that for shrewd? And even though all these are not new tactics in the market anymore, it's the Japs who first utilised this concept and consequently, made known for it.

Ah... Japanese. You gotta love them for their shrewdness.

~Raquel~

Heck...

2008-08-11T20:52:00.002+08:00

So I went out with Catherine today. I always notice that not only do we have different tastes from each other, our ideals are world's apart. But first, do I pass myself of as someone who has no sympathy or empathy to others' around me? 'Cause, I realise that many have often say I lack compassion.

But I digress. So I stopped Catherine from buying tissues from an old man at the junction of Bugis street. Perhaps she felt that I was being very cold, but how can I honestly tell her that the only reason why I stopped her was because the tissues he was selling were opened and dirty? What else in front of so many people. So I just pulled her back. And she scolded me. Great. Raquel Raquel... Why can't you ever explain yourself when need be?

But I have to say. Even if he was begging, I wouldn't have given him money. It's a strict policy of mine. Donate food, clothes but never, NEVER donate money to beggars. Reason? Simple. You might actually be harming them. What if the money is spent on stuff like alcohol and drugs? What if it's spent on cigarettes or gambling? See people beg for a reason. Because they are poor, because they are homeless, because they are jobless. But there are reasons why they are all these.

Singapore is not Thailand. Singapore is not Malaysia. Singapore is not China. Our government actually makes an effort to ensure that every poor person who seeks their help will get aid. But those who refuse it, there are no laws that state it's compulsory for the rest of us civilians to help them. I am not being cold-blooded here. I am just saying that the society can only help them this much and the rest is up to them, to their strength and will to survive.

Have you ever heard, give the man a fish and he will stay full a day, but teach the man to fish and he will survive? This is exactly my point. The utopianism's ideals are give money and help the beggar survive. But I am not a believer in this. I am a realist. I believe that giving beggars money only give them the false hope that things will drop from the sky, in the form of some kind soul giving money to them. It gives them encouragement to just "wait and see".

It makes them lazy. It gives them motivation to STAY lazy. And worst of all, it gives them no sense of dignity or respect to themselves as human beings anymore. People shun beggars. Most think they are the epitome of the society's failures. The ones who would bend backwards and over just for a few dollars. Even that is not true, too many of them out there behave that way for too long that it has become an unwritten trait. I honestly despise beggars. No, not the ones who plays music on the street or sell tissues. Those are earning their living. But those that just sit there and shake their tin cans everytime someone walks by. Or those that come up to you and shake their mugs in your face, hoping you would give them money. I despise them because I see others swatting them away, as if they are no more then some irritating fly. Yet, they do not retaliate. They just nod their heads and act nonchalant. There is no sense of pride as a living being anymore. Just dogs who scurry and wimper when thrown a stick at.

So I hope this clears up why I seem so cold towards certain things and certain people. I admit, I am far too objective and judgmental at times. But that is because I just see the ugly side most don't, or in this case, won't.

~Raquel~

secretly... secretly

2008-08-08T21:34:00.002+08:00

What is more mundane today? I was talking to my friend and she and I decided to share some... SECRETS... haha... take a look...

Managing...

2008-08-02T21:55:00.003+08:00

You know, some people that you have known since you were kid grow up so fast, they'd scare you with the changes in them. I for example, was quite amazed by my friend who up till recently, have not been keeping contact with. Not until now.

Well, keeping contact with her might seem a little exaggerated, more of like... reading her blog. Anyways, the point is, from her recent posts, I've come to figure that she has changed so much, I feel as if I am reading a whole different person. She no longer talks using a whiny tone, and she stopped using Singlish. But the fact that her thinking has changed so much, really proves that I have grown distant from this person.

Now, I was never really close to her to begin with, but she IS my friend, and I always thought she would never change and I would never change, but unfortunately, I did, she did. WE all do. Maybe its time to reflect on where have I been all this time. I have not been in contact with anyone from secondary school, except the occasional classmate that I meet up from time to time, because we happen to be bored and I suddenly thought of them and miss their company. Or maybe its cause I miss them. But I try to not admit to that.

Oh boy! Isn't life just grrreeeaaaat! NOT...

~Raquel~

Death...

2008-08-01T21:46:00.002+08:00

This is one aspect of my life I often fear about and have nightmares over. Everytime I think about it, my mind starts to go into panic mode. The fact is, I fear death. I fear the unknown it brings when the time comes, as I take my last breath and see the world I know before closing my eyes forever.

I guess all animals, including us, are the same in this sense. Our primal instinct to fear the unknown, afraid to face what could be unfamiliar to us. I, we, fear death simply because we don't know what entails after death. If we knew what to expect after we leave our body, we would fear less. Maybe thats why people form religions. To give them a feeling of assurance of what to expect when we finally do move on.

For me, I have no religions to form my beliefs, neither can I hope for something after I die, and it makes me scared, to think that I might leave this world before I'm ready, if I'm ever ready for it.

I fear the future...

~Raquel~

eating dinner...

2008-07-30T23:18:00.002+08:00

Second part of my three part post.

While I was waiting for my dinner to arrive, I took out my Mac to get some work done. But I was not able to because of one comment.

This kid, no more than five I would like to think, was toddling along behind his mom and seeing my "fanciful" gadget, he stopped to look. His mom, noticing that her kid was distracted turn around to spot the source. When she realised that he was transfixed by my Mac, she told him," If you study hard, I'll buy you one in the future." And that made me think, what are our parents doing to us? By making such promises, we are made to think that these material wants are the best rewards for our hard work. This subtle message, ones we do not even realise, is cultivated and encouraged by our parents since we were toddlers.

I hope I would never be like that parent.

~Raquel~

the round table...

2008-07-30T23:05:00.003+08:00

See, I like taking train rides home with my mother, it gives me time and space to think about who I am, what I've become and what I want to be. So today, I took a train ride home with her again.

On the way home, I observed the passengers on board the train and I realised something. They hardly look happy, their faces are all sunken and worn, pretty much like mine right now. The jobs they took up have robbed away whatever energy that was restored the night before. They have no life. Its so sad to see such a scene because it makes me wonder, do they even know who they really are and what their dreams and aspirations are anymore.

And I thought to myself, what do I really want in my life. WHat are the achievements I want to accomplish in my short short life. Money, fame or status? Unfortuantely, the road to these material wants is most probably arduous and many do not make it. Those who do, don't usually end up happy. All I want is my happiness.

But these people on the train, in search of material happiness have foregone their emotional ones. Their smiles are no longer a burst of sunshine, rather, a veiled face, with the worries of their work distorting their features.

How twisted can life be?

~Raquel~

A minute, an hour, a day...

2008-07-30T00:56:00.002+08:00

Wow. I wish I could post something deep, something that resembles my past entries. But yet, every post seems to become more and more depressing. Going down the path that would turn any normal human being into a depressive psychopath, bent on suicidal and homicidal thoughts.

What is happening to me?!

I remember the days when I was a kid. The naivety that I once possessed. The cheerfulness that could be found the minute you said ice cream. I wonder where all that emotions have gone to now. Surrounding me, are people who are cheerful, loud and entertaining, but at the end of the day, I still feel alone. And having these friends around me makes me irritable sometimes. I wish to escape, run away, and preferably hide in a hole and think.

I was never born a speaker, more of a thinker, a writer. I am eccentric. I am depressive. I am not fun to be with. I admit to these characteristics. Still, I wonder why I'm such a recluse. I retreat when there are too many strangers around me. I enclose myself in a bubble, choosing not to care about those that actually know I exist.

Why?

I love to be in the center of attention (a bit contradictory but who cares), but I hate to talk to people for extended periods of time. I enjoy when people start conversations with me, yet I find it repulsive when they continue the conversations for long period of time.

Is it me or is this normal? I don't really know what's normal anymore.

~Raquel~

Yesterday and Today...

2008-07-28T20:22:00.002+08:00

Suddenly I find myself lighter than I've been for the past week. Let me tell you what I've done and what I have left. My group have successfully finished our video shoot and now with the extention of datelines by two weeks, I am glad to say I have more time to complete my editting of the video now! WOOT!

Also, I have finished my CATS presentation last week, so now I have one less burden on my back! DOUBLE WOOT!

Best of all, we are finally finishing up on our marketing project and we are right on schedule!... almost anyway... sooo... TRIPLE WOOT!

I am soooo happy I need to pee...

~Raquel~

ah... I dread tmr...

2008-07-27T00:38:00.002+08:00

Today was really fun! haha!!! I went to see the dark knight and now I'm blogging from Sherine's house, using her computer and eating her nougats, which by the way, are VERY awesome! Now she just offered me chilli flavored Skittles. Very nice...

So anyway, the dark knight is a totally fantastic movie, but as usual, the ending was not concluded and thus, I foresee another sequel coming up... soon. The plot was brilliant and the characters were well portrayed... The joker was especially dark and cynical. Yet, I pity him and sympathize with him. Heath, unfortunately, couldn't see past the murderous side of his character, no offense, but still offending... HAHA!! Ok that sentence was so sonia!

Yeah... and the movie was a total hit on my list because of the cool gadgets Batman use and the totally hot body of Christian Bale, not to mention the Lamborghini that (sadly!) got destroyed in the movie.

But let us move on. Tomorrow would be a Sunday! Still, I get no rest because of my final project for the local video production I'm currently taking this semester. I will need to be at Bugis by 9 and I will end only god-knows-when. Gosh, I feel like a baby now with all the whining. Whatever though! Currently, I am re-thinking my stand as to becoming a journalist. The prospect of having a nine to five job now seems like a very promising future to me.

Damn I hate tomorrow! -.-

~Raquel~

here we go again...

2008-07-25T15:30:00.000+08:00

Oh yay! I have project works that needs to be done within two weeks! goody goody! I mean, who wouldn't jump at the opportunity to be able to experience the EXCITING adventures of sleepless nights?!

Okay... that was very sarcastic. But seriously, sometimes I wonder why I chose to join this course. And the fact that I have made up my mind on this path as a journalist is now a very daunting job for me. I have to constantly remind myself the aims that I have set and the goals I need to achieve. The only thing now that is keeping me moving are my group members.

Also, I would like to comment on this person. Honestly, don't expect too much from us. We have so much projects to do, be glad we bothered with yours... -.-

Whatever, I am not in a good mood.

~Raquel~

across the skies...

2008-07-20T12:34:00.002+08:00

Joy, laughter. These are the emotions that shrouds me as I'm writing this post. Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. Despite the pouring rain and the strong winds, I had one of the best birthday celebrations. The friends I saw changed so much, yet they still remained the same and the gifts, as usual, are amongst the ones I cherish the most.

The day was tiring and I almost wanted to cancel the outing, luckily, I didn't. The fact that we seldom meet up was the only driving force at that point. But I had lotsa fun and seeing the ones who have been through so much with me was almost euphoric. The feeling of familiarity that accompanied me through the night was heartening and I came back home, tired beyond comparison, but satisfied.

I think words can only describe so much of how I'm feeling, and the outing made me think once again how lucky my life is.

~Raquel~

My new love...

2008-07-16T23:30:00.002+08:00

There comes a point in time when all I wish is to get away from all my troubles and go to paradise. Today, I found my paradise. Dempsey hill is the best place one can go to for relaxation. With the wide array of bars and restaurants, there is always a place suited to ones budget. That is, of course, if your budget is above 10 dollars for a meal. Your best bet would be around 20 bucks.

But the Ben&Jerrys there is the best! With a live band playing every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, it is a place to definitely relax and bond with your mates. I went there for my celebration today and even though it was with my family, I felt so at home there.

Ah... I think this is the ultimate place to chill, do your work or simply bond with your loved ones. Everyone should atleast go there once!

~Raquel~

25 mins to my birthday...

2008-07-14T23:35:00.002+08:00

Where to start? I think this post should be about reflection about my past 18 years as a human being. I should thanks my lucky stars that on this day, eighteen years ago, the gynecologist who delivered me to this world managed to save my sorry ass from asphyxiation due to the stupid umbilical cord that was tangled around my neck. So much for anticipating my life.

But as I reflect further into my years, I realised that all through my life, I have thankfully been scarred to the minimum and surrounding me are always people who will support me. Even when I was a rebellious teen, I was lucky to have never mixed with the crowd that would ruin my life.

Then come my family. I suppose they are the least appreciated people. All the door slamming, top-of-our-lungs shouting and banging against the metal grill were really just a twisted expression of care and concern. I didn't know when, but finally, I am finding my way home to my loved ones.

But for all that is said and done, I still wish for more, take for granted even more and along the way, I may lose alot more. At the end of the day, during my next birthday, I will once again be grateful for all that have been given to me and try to see the positive in the negative... just for a day... LOL!

~Raquel~

I think my door to my dreams is in front of me

2008-06-30T21:14:00.002+08:00

So maybe I made the right choice after all... My dreams are finally coming true...

Lady luck is smiling upon me and I'm grateful for it...

~Raquel~

Talented...

2008-06-27T13:11:00.002+08:00

I am starting to doubt my own abilities. It seems as if I might not be as talented as I thought I were. I got back my results for my tests and they were horrendous. And even though I am fully aware that those are not the areas I am good at, I can't help but think that maybe... just maybe... I am not so special after all. Everyone who surround me are capable of writing. Everyone around me are capable of expressing themselves. Everyone seems... on par with me. I start to feel that if everyone around me are as good as me, maybe I am not that brilliant.

I am used to being labeled the best in languages. The best at writing, the best at speaking. Yet, I am now faced with the fact that I may be one of the worst, or at best, average. I am losing confidence in myself. I need to find my niche again.

I keep telling myself, next semester will be better. Next semester will be my turn to shine. But I can't help but wonder at the back of my mind, is that really a fact? Or is that just my assumption? A lie I use to deceive myself? I am starting to fray.

I have to constantly remind myself I am talented. That I need to be, so I can achieve my goal, my ambition. Even in the face of doubt, I need to persevere and soldier on. Yet every night, I just seem to lose even more faith in myself...

What is happening to my world?

~Raquel~

I am ZEN...

2008-06-23T22:22:00.002+08:00

Stress. Disappointment. Cries. Happiness. The whole day is packed with extreme emotions I'm currently on overload. I need time to calm my mind. I was going hysterical in school. Kept blaming myself for every single mistake that happen. This means I kept blaming myself the whole day. I thought I was going to breakdown and cry. Luckily, my parents came to my rescue.

Went to eat dinner with my family. Felt so much better after binging. Ordered lots of food from Marché (as usual). Added up to 136, but it was well spent. Of course I told my mum my day and she was sympathetic about it. Being with my bro just makes me forget everything. I missed him. A lot.

Enna forgave me for the re-digitising incident today. Thanks, if you didn't, I would have cried even more haha. Catherine was so sweet today by the way, she really helped me calm down a lot. haha... I told her I will go zen. Haha...

Ok. I shall go meditate...

~Raquel~

I have nothing left...

2008-06-23T00:18:00.002+08:00

I feel like crying. You read me correctly, I feel like crying. I wish I would stop feeling so down, but I can't help but feel that I need a good cry just to clear my thoughts and feelings up. Suddenly I feel left out, like everyone has an aim... but I don't. Everyone has work to do, but I'm oddly free. I see everyone scrambling around to get things done, but me? I'm just sitting there, feeling useless and alone. Like I cant do anything.

I guess what really hit me hard was my video group splitting up because the two guys in my group joined another team for the final project. Somehow, I feel it's because of me. If I had been on time, if I had planned things better, if I had been a better player... Somehow, I just feel its my fault for them leaving the group. It's my incompetence that led to their straying.

I know you probably think I'm being irrational and I'm beating myself up too much over this and it may not be true but the fact is, I can't help but feel this way. I want to say I'm cool with it, but the fact is I'm not. I'm so not cool with it, it makes me teary and defeated everytime i think of it. I feel so useless.

Maybe I should give myself some slack and quit shouldering every goddamn problem.

~Raquel~

im tired of changes

2008-06-14T00:23:00.002+08:00

I just don't get it. Why is it every time my sis says something, she never manages to actually get it done? Perhaps I should have never asked her. I should have known to not trust whatever she says. I'm so sick and tired of getting into shit just because of her stupid meaningless promises.

It did not happen just once, neither did it happen on rare occasions. It happens every time I try and ask her for help. Why? I seldom ask aid from her and yet, time and again, when I actually desperately need her help, she refuses me, not in advance, but at the last minute. I'm sick and tired of her bull shit.

Sometimes I feel I'm playing the fool here. I fret and fret over the stuff she messes up, and I'm always the one to solve her problems. But, she is so much older than me. I feel so old with her. I feel the responsible one with her. Perhaps its time I act the kid, not her...

I feel so pissed with the constant changing of venues, time and scenes. Yet, I keep having to put up a mask of excitement and patience. I feel so tired from all the scoldings I get. Still, I have to bear with it and force on a smile of understanding. Maybe I should let it go and show me as I am... Angered of not...

~Raquel~

footpaths

2008-06-05T19:35:00.002+08:00

I just realise that everybody I know is taking on a different path in their lives. So many of my childhood friends and acquaintances I know are no longer here anymore. By here, I mean this country, Singapore. Most of them have migrated overseas.

It is almost as if an invisible vortex is sucking away my reality, bit by bit. What I used to take for granted are suddenly disappearing at such a fast rate I can't react in time to stop it. Or perhaps, it was never in my ability to stop what is the inevitable.

Nonetheless, I hope one day I can reconnect with those I've lost unknowingly. Maybe then, we can sit down for a cup of coffee and tell each other stories of those that we know not about...

~Raquel~

When was the last time I truly smiled?

2008-06-02T23:57:00.002+08:00

Too tired. I can't seem to remember the time I felt free. Freedom to do anything and everything at any time i want. Perhaps, the burden I carry have finally begun to weigh me down. I don't feel the warmth of the world anymore.

When was the last time I truly had fun? I've been too caught up. Perhaps I should give myself some time alone. Reflection always works best on me. I miss the days when I could sit by the beach with my mates and just reflect on our lives quietly. No words spoken, yet the bond keeps getting stronger.

I can't wait for the day my nightmare ends. When I can see the sun again without the abhorrence of what the daylight might entail. I long to feel the breeze that once made me feel loved, not cold. I long for the days when I had all the time in the world to let me sit back and see life as it is, without any prejudice or resentment.

Finally, the answer to my question... when was the last time I truly smiled?

The day I heard you say you will always be there...

~Raquel~

A long lost poem...

2008-05-17T19:18:00.000+08:00

Waves crash along bay,
The lingering scent of your cologne.
I already miss the voice of yours.

I changed my number,
Moved my home,
But still,
I'm unable to delete you from my phone.

Sometimes I wish you dead.
For all the times you and I spent
I just realise it was all just a scam.
I bled for you,
Cried for you.
You promise to take me to never-land
and yet,
that promise remains unfulfilled.

It was me who initiated the break up.
The one to watch you get hitched was also me.
I feel so dumb,
was she always there?

Sometimes I wish you dead.
For all the times you and I spent
I just realise it was all just a scam.
I bled for you,
Cried for you.
You promise to take me to never-land
and yet,
that promise remains unfulfilled.

A slap across your face,
but the humiliation is mine to bear.
What have I done?

Sometimes, I hate your guts.
The way you can get away with anything.
The way your smile makes me shiver.
The way you said "fine" when we broke up...

~Raquel~

tears...

2008-05-07T12:50:00.002+08:00

How long has it been since we last talked?
I can't remember the time you opened up to me.
It seems ages ago,
the time when we were best friends.
Why did it have to be this way?

I get jealous,
to see you drifting away from me.
The embrace that I used to have around you,
It's gone, like the forgotten lands of legends.
You stopped being sincere.

The friends you hang around,
I feel them replacing me.
The time not spent together,
I feel we've become strangers.
Will this relationship turn destructive?

I wish we were back in the old days.
The times when I never feared of you being taken from me.
When all I had to deal with was within my control.
And those that surrounded us were confidants.
Are we ever going to be alright?

Will we ever go back how we used to be?

~Raquel~

animal rights... do they really exist here?

2008-05-06T16:13:00.002+08:00

I was reading this article on the newspaper a couple of days ago, and one of them was a report on these three cats that were poisoned to death by thinner( a chemical used to clean of paint). As I was reading the report, I wondered whether the laws in the society really protects the animals' rights.

The punishments that are handed out to the abusers of animals each year in asia is lesser than punishments handed out to murderers. This could be due to the higher social acceptance towards animal abusings. For example, the animal sacrifices practised in the various countries of asia like India, China, Tibet, etc etc. These social and cultural practices may have contributed to the higher tolerance level in animal abuse.

Also, the lack of understanding and compassion to these animals may have been one of the causes. In the modern world, too much emphasis is placed on the needs and wants of the society, thus we tend to forget the needs of our lesser counterparts.

Reports on these cases are also lesser, as compared to the other lesser crimes committed because of the lack of understanding of the seriousness of it. It's a sad thing that we have evolved to become such selfish animals, incapable of caring for the world we live in, despite the intelligence we are supposed to have possessed.

This makes me wonder, are we really that smart as what the scientists said? Have we really evolved for the better? Or have we just evolved to become animals destined to destroy the world and rip it of all beauty and wonder?

Sometimes, I wished we never evolved at all...

~Raquel~

Schools' best kept secret...

2008-05-02T07:33:00.004+08:00

Every time we go to school, we are bound to see students as well as lecturers, or teachers, or professors, depending on which education institution you're in. But anyway, do you realise that most of the time, we usually never give a second thought as to whether the educators of school we're in have any social life? We just assume they don't. Well... most of us anyway...

So this is the interesting observation I made when I was in school today. You know how all our teachers preach that we should have team work, understanding and compromise with all our friends and peers? And how we should all behave like mature thinking adults? Yeah, I found out during my breakfast time that that was REALLY just suited for the classroom scenario.

Why? Because, while I was eating my breakfast today, I noted that the teachers were divided. ESPECIALLY divided. They have their own cliques, their own peers, their own friends and confidants. It was so clear as to who were the social ones, the not so social ones, the plain anti-social ones and the ones everybody hates, or shun in this case.

It was so amazing to me. Well, partly because I never thought teachers would be so outright about their social cliques. Or maybe they didn't think we students would notice. I guessed for me, I never really thought that teachers would be baised about people like us students. Now that i think of it though, I find my thoughts regarding this topic foolish and shallow. I mean, I know teachers are humans, but I always thought of them to be a cut above the rest.

Either way, I think from this, I kinda realise that no matter how much the our lecturers preach about getting along with your group mates, deep down, they also know the problems that we will face, because they are humans as well...

~Raquel~

A formal introduction to my past...

2008-05-01T20:59:00.002+08:00

How long has it been, since I actually first start blogging? To think that we were all that young and foolish when we first started using this device to rant all our shit out. Now, it has come to express our own views on the very existence of man and all the other philosophical crap that nobody bothers to listen to anymore.

Maybe some of you disagree with me, but that was- and still is, the reason why I blog every time. In the past, who gives a damn whether there was such a thing as slander and defamation? We were kids, we were foolish teens, with a truckload full of angst to spread out to the rest of the world.

But now, every time I blog, I think, am I doing the right thing? Am I saying the right thing? All of that freedom of speech crap has left me. Perhaps that is why adults say you lose more freedom as you grow older. Not because we lose our angst against this world, but because we realise the harm it would do to the ones around us.

We don't really give a damn if people were to criticise us. But if they were critising our loved ones, we'd fight back. Maybe, that's why we choose not to comment. To keep quiet about whatever misdeeds that have been committed to us. Just so we can protect the ones around us.

I start to realise the immaturity we possess when we were teenagers. As kids, we are naive, innocent, simple-minded, whatever you choose to call someone dumb. But as teenagers, we behave immaturely. The combination of the vast amount of information given to us and the lack of restrain instilled upon by ourselves is a disastrous concoction for teen angst and rebelliousness. I won't deny that I was once an addict to that toxin.

The exhilaration I felt when I rebelled, knowing and spouting of remarks of human rights and freedom to my family members, I never did think of how it would hurt them. In addition to that, the constant late-nights out with friends and the outright defiance towards the every authority that tried to stop me, it was me and my immaturity at its peak.

Thinking back now, it was only in my late secondary school years did i mellow out. Rock and black were now a thing of the past, and the life of staying up till 6 in the morning was nothing but a faint stain on my life. Even till today, I can't help but feel that the fates have been exceptionally kind to me, because where many had fallen, I have miraculously survived it.

I am proud to say I've never taken drugs or taken a puff. Perhaps, fate was kind to me, for all the friends I've made turned out to be true and those that weren't, I found out about them early enough. Speaking of which, I have to thank a few friends who really changed my life and gave me my dreams back.

HUI YI, SHERINE, PEI SHENG, thank you for all that you've done. Maybe you never knew the impact you made in my life, but the impression you made is the biggest in my life. Without you guys, the person you see today would not be here...

~Raquel~

Funny Games U.S...

2008-04-25T00:03:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, going out with your friends can lead you to do the most un-charismatic actions. Like for example, today...

Today, I went out with two of my friends. One of them was Pei sheng. Apparently, we were supposed to watch a movie called Funny Games. At first, Pei sheng friend wanted to join us, but decided not to due to some last minute changes. So fine, pei sheng and I went to buy our tickets. But while we were waiting for the time to pass, her friend suddenly turn up and said that she was joining us after all.

Then when I accompanied her friend to buy the tickets, I realised that my tickets were the couple seat ones! So we rushed to the main booth on the fifth level, hoping we could change the seats. Unfortunately, we couldn't. So in the end , Pei sheng and I had to sit behind her. But as luck would have it, we ended up in the same row, next to each other because we semto be the only ones watching the movie at that time slot. Haha! I thought, this is awesome! I pay 6 bucks and I get the whole movie theatre all to ourselves!

But as the show started playing, the room fell to a silence and the silence was deafeningly creepy. I started telling the both of them stuff like, if we were to sit at the far corners right now, or if we were to occupy a row all to ourselves, sitting alone, we would probably all start panicking. Haha... their reactions were priceless!

Eh... maybe god heard my mean thoughts, because 5 mins into the introductions of the films, a bunch of teenagers came in as well. And boy did make a shell lot of noise! Ah... the wonders of justice and equality.

Then after the show, we went around for a walk and ended up at Raffles City. It was so funny when PS and her friend went in to the candy shop to buy jelly beans. I insisted on pressing the release button of the jar and when i did, i pressed to hardly so the jelly beans ended up pouring out. Haha... it was so scary! after that, I offered to pay for the beans that have been poured out...

Overall, the movie was nice, sadistic but nice and don't ask me about the jelly beans because even though I paid for it, Inever got to eat it... And oh! By the way, I saw Eunice Olsen at Raffles City and honestly, she looks abit freaky without the make up on...

~Raquel~

I love my little sister...

2008-04-20T10:57:00.002+08:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like, to be so close to your siblings, they literally worship you?

"Boku wa Imouto ni Koi wo Suru" is such a show. If you can stand the incest that the twins are involved in, this is a must watch japanese movie. With the ever "bishonen" Matsumoto Jun acting the lead character, it's no wonder why fans are raving all over Japan just because of this show. Not that his acting is overtly brilliant, but rather, his looks are worth betting a penny in. Of course, I'm not saying that he can't act at all, but the story script did help to mask his level of immaturity in acting. Still, I'm sure this is a much disputed theory, but I have no interest in delving into it.

Regardless of the intensity of the storyline, along with the level of controversy going on in the plot, the movie has been tastefully shot, so that the social taboos would not override the main point of this story; two teenagers in love with each other but are not able to get together due to the society's view on their relationship.

Though, I am surprised how well their friends and admirers took to the news of them being in love with each other. For I am sure, if any of my friends are in love with their brother/sister, I would clearly freak out and not be all " oh, so are you going to tell him/her?"

Another great part of the movie is the background music. It is so soothing, but at the same time, the hollowness of the forbidden relationship and the sad reality of this society is reflected in it. The scores are perfectly done, and the instruments wisely chosen. In this area, the only complaint that I have is that even after the show ended, the music was still ringing in my mind.

Overall, this is one show that would rock your social definitions of true love and the power of it to overcome obstacles.

~Raquel~

ps: to watch this show, go down to: http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-175069/Boku-wa-Imouto-ni-Koi-wo-Suru-Movie-Part-1.html?h264=1

Friendships...

2008-04-10T15:47:00.008+08:00

I went for my faculty orientation today. It was pretty brilliant at first, but after the lunch break, it started to go downhill from there onwards.

I made a lot of friends when I first arrived at the orientation, but come part two, it was just a total disaster. I was tired and sleepy, on top of that, my brain wasn't functioning well due to the lack of sleep, so I ended up being a reclusive ass once again. Not by choice, but by then, all my energy had been spent and I was way too tired to think up of any other topics of conversation. Not that I was that good at thinking them up in the first place.

So what am I precisely complaining about? I made friends, that's what matters, no? NO! It matters. 'Cause the friends I made for the first part were all from different tutorial groups. So I ended up without any friends in my own tutorial group. Anyway, I was too tired by then to notice my surroundings. I can't even remember what I did during the second half of the day. Pretty amusing huh? I was pretty sure I gave Paul Twohill the ridiculous look though. OOPS! My bad...

But I really didn't bother. Idol-Star or not, he looks pretty human and common to me if you ask. Nothing really outstanding about him- that is unless you're talking about his latest hairdo... now THAT'S outstanding! Haha...

But either way, I guess I will just have to leave it up to fate and let it bring me to the friends that I am gonna meet along the way... Hopefully in my tutorial group...

~Raquel~

emotions we avoid...

2008-04-08T10:37:00.004+08:00

When was the last time we've let loose our emotions? As time goes by, we all start to hide our feelings. We become less expressive of our emotions and portray a more and more fictional image of ourselves. Sometimes I wonder, what exactly do we achieve out of this facade?

We show the world we are strong individuals. Capable of getting up when being pushed down. But at the end, when we go home, we are tired out, both emotionally and physically. We end up frustrated, tensed and depressed because we wasted a day putting up a false mask of our character.

Perhaps we should start facing ourselves and letting our inner self shine through. Because I think that this truthfulness you show will be a prized item throughout any friendships that you form.

Unfortunately though, I can't afford to give this possession away. My inner thoughts are in turmoil all the time, it also doesn't help that I am mostly a very anti-social person. Sometimes I wonder if it is just me who is reclusive or is the world around me filled with unseen dangers. I think it's both.

~Raquel~

Smart travellers are far and few between...

2008-03-24T22:34:00.004+08:00

Today, I was walking through Chinatown, proceeding to my mother’s office. But as I was making my way over, I notice that there were tons of tourists mingling around the souvenir shops and I can’t help but wonder; do all of us exhibit the same behaviour as all the other tourists who are visiting my country? They are amazed by our culture, thrilled by our decors and delighted by our vast variety of cuisines. Yet, they make the same mistakes that we make as tourists as well. They buy souvenirs that are absolutely useless and splurge on items that they will probably regret later.

Call me rigid, but I feel that going on a holiday doesn’t mean you have to buy things in a wimp. I, for example, would never buy anything without first evaluating whether the item is useful or completely redundant. Of course, I am not insisting that you can’t buy fridge magnets proclaiming “I Love NY”, or “Switzerland” but to get a shirt that says “Welcome To Australia” is just plain imbecilic. To say in the simplest of sense, you probably would never wear that out on the streets when you’re shopping or going to a dinner party. In fact, that shirt will probably end up in your closet, till the day where you find it all musty and damp, with moth-eaten holes at the most random of places.

Either that, or you WILL wear it, but only for the eyes of your loved ones and friends who are over at your house. So you spent a fortune on those clothes and you are wearing them at home. How smart is that? Therefore you see my point as to why buying souvenirs without thinking is the worst thing you can do.

But this doesn’t have to be that way. You need not moan at the fact you will never be able to go to another country and buy souvenirs. Some of the things you can buy are items like their local brand of clothing’s or their food produce. This way, you get to bring back a piece of your memory of the place as well as being able to fully utilize it.

It is especially brilliant if you were to buy their local fashion brands. This is because the chances of you wearing something on the street, back in your own country, that is similar to another person is very slim and thus you can pull it off as being unique.

Besides, what is cooler than telling your friends you went overseas and bought this piece of clothing back? It is an outright proclamation that your shirt is probably as unique and limited as the next upcoming Gucci bag. Best of all, it’s at a lower price!

~Raquel~

2008-03-24T22:34:00.000+08:00

Irritation...

2008-03-19T19:47:00.002+08:00

When was the last time I fought with my mom? When was the last time any one of you had a disagreement with your parents?

Sometimes, I feel that parents are just too stubborn for their own good. They tell you things like " listen to me! I'm your mom. I know best." Or they will tell you to react promptly to their wishes. But when things go wrong, they refuse to take the blame for it. And the best part of all these? You are not SUPPOSED to get angry with them.

One such incident happened today. I told my mom to accompany me to get my SingPass reset and working. Thanks to my mom's really WISE decision, I ended waiting for her at the bus stop for half an hour. She told me she was on the train and told me to leave the house now. So me, knowing she hates lateness, left the house right after I put down the phone. I rushed out of the house, hopped on to the first bus that took me to the place and subsequently, spend a full half hour there stoning whilst waiting for her to turn up.

When she finally did, I was already pissed and upset. There I was, having really bad cramps due to my period, sitting for a good half hour waiting in the cold, when I could have been at home, huddled up in my warm bed and soft quilt resting. It was annoying the hell out of me. And as we all know, periods=moodswings, so you can imagine, how I felt. Normally I would have just shrugged this incident off. But because of my terrible and somewhat well-known mood swings, I ended up being totally uncool. I just can't help but feel that I was the fool in this whole issue.

So when she finally arrived, I refused to talk to her. I was simply irritated by her lack of taciturnity and her air of cluelessness. And when I did eventually talked to her, I was boiling. I raised my voice and reprimanded harshly. That's when all the defensive nature of hers emerged as well. Thus, this officially mean war.

Well, I'm officially screwed. Let this be a reminder to all those who can't remember my temper. I am not a nice person. Do not test my patience. Because there will come a time, when no matter how nice and patient a person I am to you, I will lose it if you push me too far. So don't ever test my limits. You don't want to know the end results.

~Raquel~

The tune we used to sing...

2008-03-18T00:58:00.002+08:00

I was listening to my music downloads today and I heard the song "good day" from The Click Five. All of a sudden, my mind is filled with memories of our secondary school life. This was the song that we all chose to do the english project over. The song that we listened over and over again, while me and huiyi synchronized the thailand clips over and over again to the timing of this song.

It wasn't even my project to start with. Me and sherine weren't even in the same class as PS and Huiyi. We were in 4E1 while ya'll were in 4E3. Yet, I clearly remembering doing the work for ya'll. Ahaha... Sometimes, I wish we weren't growing up so fast. Sometimes, I wish our life could just slow down a little bit. I wonder, ten years from now, would we still be the same? Would our characters change so much, till it comes to a point where we lose our true sense? And we lose the personality our friends once knew?

Sometimes, I fear the future. For all the bright lights that seem to be shining from afar, I fear that if I actually were to venture near enough, they would turn out to be gigantic fireballs that burn me beyond recognition. I fear the possible change and the outcome of it.

I already feel that I'm losing a part of my old persona. I can't even mimic the style of writing I used to have when I was in secondary school. Everything now seems more political to me. More hypocritical and complexing to me. I can no longer categorise things as good and evil, white and black. Everything now usually ends up grey.

What have I done to myself? If this is what the adults say as maturing, I think that all adults are cynical.

And I am becoming like one of them...

~Raquel~

bonds and relations...

2008-03-16T01:12:00.002+08:00

I was talking to PS today and it made me realise something. Deep down, no matter what, every relationship you have with someone is always unique and different. also, in different relationships, people act and react differently. What do I mean?

Take me and Hui Yi for example, I can not call her for days, not talk to her for months, but when we meet up, or when I actually call her, there seems to be no time barrier between us. We can just pick up straight from where we left off. No consequences and no explanations as to where I've been to the few months.

But I can't do the same for Sherine or PS. With them, its like boiling your water that has gone cold. You have to turn on the fire, put the kettle on, and slowly wait for the fire to heat up the water again. And when it's finally boiled, I would have to constantly refill the water and lower the fire, so that the water stays boiled. In other words, their friendship takes time and effort to work.

But nonetheless, I feel that every bond that is shared between me and my friends are all meaningful and worthwhile. So much so, sometimes, I don't mind putting in the extra effort to make it work. Still, it is nice to feel appreciated once in a while and that's where my other bunch of friends come in.

I'm sure all of us have friends that we keep around just 'cause they make you feel important or appreciated. Like me, I have a few of these friends. I shall not name them, for I fear that they will take this as an insult. But regardless of the reasons why I keep them around, I still cherish them as much as I cherish all my other friends.

Tv shows always tell you, friends are for you to make use of. In some sense, I think this notion is rather real. But instead of looking at this the shrewed and negative way, I would very much like to think that we make use of our friends in ways that is harmless and yet self-gratifying. We take from our friends time, companionship and care. All these so we can be a better friend back to them. And so we become less selfish each day.

We are all humans, therefore we are wired into having the need for company. In some sense, we all rely on one another. In other words, we all survive, based on others.

How vulnerable yet strong are we?

~Raquel~

an aristocrat's cruelty...

2008-03-11T23:09:00.003+08:00

Indelible, that's your personality.
Untraceable, that's your presence.
Capricious, that's your character.
Uninhibited, that's your life.

See the world through your eyes,
Blue, red and green.
Feel the emotions through your soul,
Indefinite, volatile, random.

Vitriolic, your wits unparalleled.
Languid, your poise that rivals none.
A simple gesture,
A single step,
You turn to a facsimile of nobility.
Elegance.

See the world through your eyes,
Blue, red and green.
Feel the emotions through your soul,
Indefinite, volatile, random...
Cruel.

~Raquel~

the only difference between real life and dramas is the background music...

2008-03-09T03:21:00.002+08:00

You know how sometimes, we are forced to do things we dislike doing or cant be bothered with? Yeah... I'm starting to get this feeling as I count down the days to poly life. I don't really want to take this step, 'cause I'm afraid of what this new chapter in my life would hold. I've just got that naggy feeling that I'm going to lose a lot of old friends when I actually take the plunge.

I'm afraid of losing that sense of familiarity. Everywhere I've been to, no matter how many times I've been enrolled into a new school, there were always some people there whom I know. But this, this is different. This is new, awkward and unforseen. I've always viewed my life to be filled with companionship and camaraderie. Never to be alone in an open field, vulnerable and uncertain of myself, yet...

It's just so daunting. The fact that you know, no one will probably give a hoot about you, or some one might probably make an enemy out of you just because of your appearance is just plain scary. All the sugar-coating that my friends have done does not render me unaware of the bitterness of these harsh truths. It's just too obvious that it can't be hidden.

But regardless of this, I will strive forward and give it my best, when the time comes and I've got to take that leap. On the way, I know I may fall and hurt myself, but if the end justifies the means, I'm willing to take that risk.

~Raquel~